When I was a freshman in high school I remember watching a movie in one of my classes in which, at one point, the heroine turns to her significant other and says "we are who we are; people don't change." While the movie itself isn't really significant, for whatever reason, that line has always stayed with me. As a teenager and then an adolescent, change is an ever present topic in your life, or maybe the better word would be improvement since nobody conscientiously tries to change for the worse. Just take a moment to think about all the things that you would like to change and improve about yourself whether it be the trivial, such as go to the gym more often, or the profound such as be more open-minded. Whatever the case may be and however long a list you compile, it still begs the same, timeless question--can people really change?
It goes without saying that how you answer this question says a lot about you and your outlook on just about everything. Now, I imagine that for most of us optimistic, depression-free students the answer to this question is a shaky or resounding, but nonetheless a definitive yes. However, it seems that our willingness to answer yes comes more from our desperate need to believe that one day we will fix our flaws rather than from actual proof or past evidence. If you look at yourself honestly and discriminatingly, or even if you simply look at those around you, it becomes clear that true personality overhauls are extremely rare. On the other hand however, temporary personality changes are not only common but can actually be seen quite obviously if you know where to look.
The best place to start is any new beginning, whether it's a New Year, a new semester or, the champion of them all, a new relationship. It's very common practice for most people to go into any new beginning brimming with optimism and hope that this time they will be different, that this time they will be better.
However, when it comes to dating and the start of a new relationship, this idea goes into overdrive. Even at Duke, where people are supposedly strong and independent, I have seen so many people change just in order to sell themselves to someone else. And I'm not talking about small adjustments or alterations but rather full-on 180 turns from what they used to be. On a disturbingly high number of occasions I've seen complete players start writing poetry and going to see the Vagina Monologues with their girlfriends and likewise, perfectly nice guys start to play games and ignore the girls they like. In the case of the former, many people might point out that it's not really a bad change but rather an improvement that should be welcomed and appreciated. While this is true in theory, in practice we inevitably come back to the question with which we started--can people really change?
While everybody needs to answer this question for themselves, it is very helpful to look at the motive behind the change and view it as a strong indicator of whether a change is real and permanent or just brief and temporary. After all, everybody is great when you first start dating them, but as many people eventually learn this greatness tends to fade as time progresses. So how can you know if the change in others, and not to mention yourself, is real? Perhaps the most telling factor is the source of the change, and while these questions are personal, there is one overriding truth and that is the fact that the only way a change can be real is if it comes from within.
Now, I don't mean to get all Zen master on you; I simply mean that the only way it can be real is if it comes from no other motive than your own desire to change. In other words, beginnings are highly unlikely to bring about permanent change. If you didn't go to the gym every day last year, it's highly unlikely that you will make it past February this year either.
If you haven't been able to avoid procrastination the last few semesters it is highly unlikely you will succeed now if your only motive to try is the fact that it's a new semester. And to bring it back to relationships, if you never before had the urge to write poetry or listen to a vagina's monologue, the fact that you're with someone new will only buy you time but is highly unlikely to turn you into a permanent poet, much less a feminist.
Emin Hadziosmanovic is a Trinity sophomore. His column appears every other Wednesday.
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