I'm sure that you have heard countless times that people always want what they can't have. We want things that are hard to get and why wouldn't we since the value of anything is inherently derived from how difficult the item is to obtain.
While, I have no problem seeing the logic of this theory when talking about something like diamonds, I get quite lost when trying to reason this on to the topic of people.
Yet, this theory is just as true when it comes to people, to the point that it's not even a theory so much as a rule that has very few exceptions. Almost all of us, more or less, often find ourselves attracted to people who are, for whatever reason, out of our reach.
Now, by out of reach I don't mean that they are dating someone else or something simple like that--instead, they're out of reach because they're either out of our league or are simply not interested. Interestingly enough, both reasons usually only end up spurring our desire even further. The only way to explain why the latter reason increases our desire, is to assume that we're all emotionally masochistic since their rejection only spurs our want even more. The former reason can be explained, to some extent, as a form of ambition.
Anything worth having is also worth working for and setting high goals for yourself is not a foreign concept to Duke students. We know that while setting high goals can lead to pain and disappointment if they don't work out, it is very much worth the risk if they do work out.
Therefore, with this in mind, there is really nothing wrong with trying to get someone out of your league. Doing nothing will surely get you nowhere, and taking the risk creates the chance, no matter how small, that you may end up with someone you truly like.
So, what is wrong with wanting what you can't have since there is always at least some microscopic chance that you just might get it? Well, the problem comes from the fact that this idea is just as true when inverted, meaning that while we want what we can't have, we also don't want what we can have. That is where the problems start arising.
Liking people who are either out of our league or are not interested is somewhat emotionally masochistic, but it can also be viewed as simply being ambitious, like I said earlier. However, not liking people who like us and who are in our league is where things start getting much more interesting.
This is perhaps the greatest reason why people play games when dating--they don't want to appear to be too interested. This is why guys don't call for days on end and why girls play hard to get.
The chances are that most of us have complained about all the stupid games that the members of the opposite sex (or the same sex for that matter--I make no assumptions about my readers) play during the early stages of any dating ritual.
Yet, you have to honestly ask yourself if you have any right to blame them. Even if you are one of the few people who never play games or cover up your feelings so that you don't come off as being too interested in someone, you have to admit that the moment you find out that someone likes you, your interest in them almost inevitably decreases.
The only exception to this is if you already happen to like them to begin with in which case its music to your ears. However, in most cases, finding out that someone likes you significantly lowers the chance that you will go on to reciprocate their interest.
Since you already know that they're interested in you, it becomes a conquest already won. If the value of everything is tied into to how hard it is to obtain, then getting their affection on a platter makes it very invaluable.
Of course, you'll tell them that it's very flattering and you appreciate it, and it means a lot to you and so on and so forth, but its extremely unlikely that you'll go on to date them.
This is especially true with girls. A guy looks at it a little differently because if a (good-looking) girl openly tells him how much she likes him then he at least can assume that it won't be long until he enjoys the physical fruits of the relationship. However, since most girls aren't as impatient for the physical, this not only doesn't work but it actually backfires. On more occasions than I can count, I have seen girls, smart Duke girls, dump or reject guys because they were just too interested.
Of course, seldom are these the exact words that they use. The phrasing is usually that they're too clingy, or they're too needy, or some other such reasons, all of which are nothing more than different versions of saying that a person is too interested in them. Nonetheless, it makes it very difficult to argue with the claim that everything receives its value from how difficult it is to obtain.
So if this idea is psychologically grounded in most of us, does that mean that playing hard to get is the answer? When looking at the Duke dating scene in general, the answer, as much as it saddens me to say this, seems to be yes. As smart as we are, the dating scene at Duke is as superficial as anywhere else so that as general advice people here are best off if they play by the rules. This, of course, is a generalization. If you find yourself in a specific personal situation, than it becomes up to you to decide whether or not to abandon the game and simply be honest. However, just remember that you are taking a risk because, as much as we may not like it, most people, ourselves often included, do indeed want what they can't have.
Emin Hadziosmanovic is a Trinity sophomore. His column appears every other Wednesday.
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