You hear it with nearly every break-up: "We're going to try and be friends." And try they do. But in most cases men and women cannot be friends once the prefix ex- is added to their previous titles. The inability to remain friends after a serious relationship is seen everywhere. I mean, Ross and Rachel couldn't even do it. They have been romantically on and off for several seasons, had a child together and will most likely get married in the "Friends" series finale, making the execs at NBC and millions of viewers around the world very happy.
Despite real life and fictional examples that foreshadow ultimate failure, we clutch to the hope that maybe our break-ups will be different. We envision life-long friendships where we can look back and laugh 10 years later at a dinner with our spouses in Nantucket, seated atop wicker furniture on the sundeck. Reality check: You have a better chance of the University pulling a 180 and funding kegs on the quad every weekend from now through graduation.
I've played the "our break-up is going to be different" game, and I've watched it play out in the lives of friends in the comfort of my own apartment. So as we endeavor down the "I can accept less" road with every broken romance, I can't help but wonder: Can anyone really downsize a relationship?
Clearly this plan worked back in the days of middle and high school when relationships lasted a month, maybe two, and you'd known the kid since kindergarten. But when you find yourself in a serious relationship--both in terms of time and emotional investment--the rules change. You haven't known this person all your life and most likely weren't friends before starting the relationship. When there's no solid friendship base to work off of, downsizing becomes a lot more complicated.
Unless the cause for the split is especially heinous, both sides normally want to stay friends. What we don't realize is that we're not capable of instantly jumping into a new role. Ideally we'd pull an I Dream of Genie head nod and in one second be able to forget the past and dissolve all lingering strings of attachment. But seeing your boyfriend today and seeing him as your guy friend tomorrow is not so easy to do. Awkwardness reigns supreme, and while interaction is cordial, all you want is time apart to reconfigure.
Aside from the general uncomfortable nature, effort is another issue. If both sides aren't as equally committed to friendship as they were in their relationship, the future is doomed. If you both aren't fighting to manipulate what you had into something else, it won't work. Just like a romantic relationship, friendships too thrive on a 50/50 split.
The remaining problem I like to file under the whoops! category, as in "Whoops! We keep sleeping together." Many couples find themselves back in bed, not as boyfriend and girlfriend, not as friends with benefits, just... screwed. From this perpetuates the very bad and very stupid idea of staying together because it's easy or because the semester (or college in general) is almost done and then it will really be over. The only thing that's downsized when you go back to something you know isn't right is your self-respect.
You'll find plenty of ex-couples as acquaintances. They say hello, chat for five minutes and seem fine on the surface. But the twinges of pain that he feels when she's with her new boyfriend are still felt, however well hidden they may be. Your ex-girlfriend does not want to hear the details of your new relationship. Even if you turn to her with good intent, the ex will sense vengeance and would rather talk about pretty much anything but her replacement.
Many people who are good friends with an ex are either in love with that person or completely oblivious to the fact that their ex is still in love with them. I have yet to find couples that no longer harbor romantic feelings and have been able to accept loving one another simply as friends. It's not going from all to nothing, but it sure as hell is taking giant steps back.
I guess we refuse to take a defeatist position when it comes to love. No one wants to accept the fact that we can't handle taking a lesser position. Being demoted at a job is bad enough, but when it comes to personal life, economizing is brutal to the heart, soul and ego. So we attempt to downsize and fail. We gather up the pieces, work the relationship and the person out of our lives (for the most part) and move on.
Yes there are the cases where it does work. Call them miracles or super-couples who are better equipped for jumping backwards on the relationship spectrum. Those of us who can't handle emotional downsizing aren't superheroes. We're not lacking some insight or experience; we're normal, and this is one case where being ordinary is fine by me.
Jen Wlach is a Trinity senior. Her column appears every other Wednesday.
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