Column: Rights on an Exclusive

Duke students are masters of balancing. We double major. We are regulars in both the library and Bully's. Taking on only one thing is an unchallenging and inefficient use of our time.

But what makes us really cool is that we apply this logic to social situations as well. The "coolest" among us push themselves to "excel socially." To some, this means how many shots you inhale before they start to rape your nose (i.e. unceremoniously shoot out of your nostrils onto the person who bought said shot for you). To others, this means being the Shane Battier of drinking games (can't you just see frat boys practicing flip cup with water on a Wednesday afternoon to warm up for the weekend?).

And to still others, this balancing routine logically seems like it should extend to dating (our euphemism for regular hookups with sprinkled-in lunches and date functions, see previous columns). Why go to only one fraternity's formals, when you could go to one for each fraternity? Why hook up with just one girl when you could hook up with two (not at a time; we'll save that for another column)?

Justin (who bore uncanny resemblance to both a Backstreet Boy and the Nazi Ralph from The Sound of Music) was perhaps the quintessential balancer. He double-majored in two subjects that weren't even cultural anthropology and sociology, took on leadership roles that made him appear as cool as you can appear on a resume, and went to the gym more than any girl described in the Women's Initiative. But even Justin couldn't juggle two girls at once.

"Wow, a real date," Maddy said. They sounded like socially starved losers. "What about Tiffany?"

"She was standing like three feet away from us when he asked, and was there the whole night while we were flirting, so whatever they were, they're clearly over now."

"Clearly" perhaps was not as appropriate of a word as "not at all," which Sidney realized several nights later, when the three of them were all over at Parizade's and Tiffany was all over Justin, while Sidney stood five feet away open-mouthed (perhaps hoping free liquor would fly in). This, she thought, was not the way to seal the deal.

Making the entire situation more complicated was the fact that Justin's fraternity had a date function the next night (see, nothing good ever comes from date functions). "What are you doing tomorrow night?" he asked Sid on the dance floor. His frat brothers had told her friends (a la sixth grade) that he was planning on asking her, so she went for a coy shrug. "You should come to our progressive." What kind of invitation was that?

"Isn't it a date function, though? Wouldn't I need... a date?" She was still going for coy.

"Nah, I'm not taking one, it's pretty much a friend thing." Or it was pretty much a how-do-you-decide-between-two-girls-who-are-both-expecting-you-to-ask-them thing?

Now she was going for righteous. "Oh, well, I hear SAE is having a party."

Being the Duke student that he is, Justin realized he had fouled and called her sufficiently between that night and the next day for Sidney to go to the party. Needless to say, Tiffany was also there, probably after getting exactly the same spiel. Justin immediately bee-lined toward Sidney and was on Hugh Grant-par behavior. Until he moved to the other room and kissed Tiffany.

"I am standing right here," Sidney hissed to Grace, starring disbelievingly. "We were holding hands, and now they are holding tongues."

As if on cue, Justin returned and modeled the pair of handcuffs that were part of his costume. "Do you want to...?" He held them up as though he thought she was actually going to give him her wrist. Wouldn't that get in the way of your making out with other girls, she was tempted to retort but she smiled instead. "No."

Never one to beat around the bush, Sidney point-blank asked him about Tiffany that night, and made it quite clear she would sooner get involved in a tenting group than with a guy who was dating someone else. He admitted to dating Tiffany, but professed a multi-year crush on Sidney, that naturally she ate up before she told him he had to figure out what was going on with Tiffany before anything could go on with them.

"It's a tough situation because in the real world, being exclusive means being boyfriend-girlfriend, and it's a little [lot] early for that," Sid told Maddy, "But I look like a bitch to Tiffany, and at the same time, I look like an idiot who is letting a guy play me. Not quite sure which is worse."

Maddy pondered this. "At this school, it's worse to look like an idiot. At least people are used to girls being bitchy."

Dating multiple people at Duke quickly becomes an episode of The Bachelor. It's a small enough place that it feels like all the girls live together in the Bachelorette Pad, and any night at Bully's (where naturally all involved parties will be together) feels like a group date, where the bachelor has his 15 minutes of alone time with each lady and then the other girls watch as he makes out with each one. It becomes caddy and competitive.

Well-rounded dating can't happen here. First, selection is rather limited. No one has yet run down the Independent Corridor screaming "It's raining men." But moreover, the social scene is simply too inbred and small to handle crossovers. The Gothic Wonderland is minute to begin with, and Charlie's is even smaller. There is no polite way to hold hands and dance with one girl the first half of the night and then go home with another at the end.

Well, that is not entirely true. Three loopholes exist in the system that allow for well-rounded dating. Warning: this is not to be tried at home, but only by experts in the field who fully understand the dangers and parameters of such behavior.

Exception 1: If the people you are dating are in different enough social spheres. We are not talking simply different friend groups, as you can hang out at the same places every night in the presence of people you find as genuinely enjoyable as parking in the Blue Zone. We are talking completely different worlds here--like someone who thinks Parizade's is as close to hell as you can get without Dante as your tour guide paired with someone who gets free drinks in the backroom because he is such a regular.

Ashley chose wisely what boys to juggle her sophomore year and was successfully for several weeks--an unheard of accomplishment. She was dating a frat boy, an independent and a graduate student (always a safe addition to the mix), who would only find themselves in the same room if the room in question were Cameron. Okay, what frat boy goes to Cameron?

Because of this important rule, it is far easier for girls to date multiple people than for guys. Guys stick with their fraternity brothers or fellow athletes or simply their personal Rat Pack regardless of who they are interested in, plus it is in their houses or sections or rented out clubs where people get together. Girls change their social patterns based on who they are interested in. If two girls are dating the same guy, they will be in the same place every night of the week (pathetic).

Exception 2: If at least one of the people you are dating is extremely naïve, has dangerously low levels of self-respect or simply does not like you enough for your dating around to be an issue.

Run-Around Sue exploited a combination of a large dose of the first situation mixed with a bit of the second. Sue dated Evan for almost a year... and about 10 other guys, if you choose to define dating as sex. He worshipped the bed she slept on and could not believe she would possibly do that to him even though he often heard whispers (denial ain't just a river in Egypt). When he finally found out, faced with the damning reality of PartyPics, he was crushed and looked like a cuckold.

Exception 3: If at least one of the relationships is long-distance. Makes sense, doesn't it?

Whitney Beckett is a Trinity senior. Her column appears every other Friday.