VH1's "Big in 2003" awards show airs soon, and I thought it only fitting to use my penultimate column of the semester to highlight some of the big themes and ideas to hit campus over the past 12 months.
- Best Social Idea Gone Wrong: The 21 Night Stand. In an attempt to make up for the massacre of on-campus social life, Moneta created this "hit students with the best non-alcoholic alternatives during the first weeks of school" plan. I applauded the effort, and was thoroughly disappointed with the reality. Why? Well, one of the events was watching the 1987 film 'Moonstruck,' the cinematic classic that finally got Cher an Academy Award.
What's the problem with this? Our parents are the kind of people who would want to watch Moonstruck on the quad Friday night. People aged 18 to 21 will not forego parties during the first week of school to watch 80s movies...we watch them on TBS's Sunday afternoon marathon instead of doing work.
My brother, who's a freshman at Washington University in St. Louis, spent his first night of orientation watching 'Old School' on the quad. Now that's a university that understands their students. Granted Will Ferrell is no Cher, but that's the kind of thing we're into. Moneta--if you want to keep the freshman away from us party-all-the-time greeks, you should put a panel together of the most notorious greeks and see what we'd like as non-alcoholic options. Using the root of the problem may actually help what is a genuinely good idea. It's the application that needs some work.
- Best Anonymous Slams: Uncle Ebenezer and DJ Riddle. Props to my faceless peers for their biting comments about frats and their fellow columnists. I however, have a headshot, and no qualms about a little payback. So, using your "guide to rush" style, here is what freshman guys would find if they followed your lifestyle:
The independent males (see also, valedictorian character in 'Can't Hardly Wait'): Come spend your days whining about living in Edens and being ignored in housing picks like a red-headed step child.
Independent males generally live above or next to a frat section and enjoy going to said fraternity's parties, impersonating the brothers, and failing in every attempt to hit on girls. Most nights, these boys can be found on their futons, playing videogames and making passing comments about how much cooler it is to have a Nintendo tournament than go to Shooters. And, if you're an independent male you too can write a column and drop cool lines like "we call the commons room for beirut next semester" to prove to anyone who will read that you do, in fact, drink beer. It's sure to impress your independent hall mates--you know those three guys from your FOCUS program who have Animae porn programmed onto their TI-83's.
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Best Resurrection by an organization: Pan-Hel. Here's to the hard working staff of the Pan-Hellenic Organization for losing the bureaucratic "paper tiger" status and promoting the oft-ignored good side of greek life at Duke. The office that was only used for ordering party pics is really getting things organized and uniting the fraternities and sororities. And their effort to attract freshman members is clueing in the newbies to rush, which is key to understanding the January chaos.
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Best Dining Site Eliminated: The Sanford Deli. I'm not even going to talk about my serious withdrawal from the hummus, southwest and tuna wraps. Can someone explain why we need another Alpine outlet? Not only was the food so good that people would leave lecture early to beat the lines for lunch, but the owners were some of the nicest staff I have encountered at Duke.
It makes no sense (though let's be honest a lot of administrative decisions don't) to get rid of the most popular food vendors on campus. The food was so good it got the Pratt students to crawl out from Science Drive and interact with us arts and crafts kids.
I realize a university is a business, but this place was not only making quality food, it employed quality people. If one thing needs to be brought back, it's the original Sanford Deli and the lovely couple that kept us well fed and took interest in our lives.
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Best catchphrase: Space Points. These two words were heard coming out of every sorority girl's mouth more often than "tequila shots". Prep for recruitment over the past year has been all about getting space points. You want a good room for round three? Go to the speech and get space points. Don't want to have to battle it out for a round one theme? Then buy all of the canned goods at Costco and donate them for space points. But never EVER dirty rush, cause then you'll lose (everybody all together now) space points. The totals are in and all girls are revving up for recruitment, but once the new members are installed, you can bet it's right back to the space points attainment bonanza for 2005.
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Best Sign of Life: Midnight Mayhem. I've voiced my concerns about the death of school spirit, but the basketball team's first practice showed that the Crazies may have been down, but are by no means out. The stands were packed, the cheers were loud (though still lacking some new witty ones for our sophomore boys and the new man on campus, Luol) and watching from the rafters I saw old school Cameron Crazies. Mrs. Krzyzewski was on point with her idea to celebrate the first official practice. It was the kick in the ass that the student body needed after a sub-par performance in 2003. And with UNC back from the NIT, I'm hopeful the pride will stay strong, loud and fierce for what promises to be a ridiculous season.
Other Awards Presented Prior To This Column:
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Best new UNC quote: "I don't give a s--t about UNC." Thanks Roy Williams! You will be sure to see your lapse of on-air judgment plastered all over posters and painted on Duke student bodies this season. We couldn't have said it better ourselves.
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Best Absence by a Commencement Speaker: Kofi Annan. My vote for this year's speaker is Conan O'Brien. He's funny and he'll show.
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Best Way to Milk the Students for Cash: Football Parking Fees. Hello, move your car by Friday for the game or be towed. Want to tailgate and wander over to the game wasted? $5 please. Does anyone else see something wrong here?
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Best refugee performance by a duo or group: The 48-hour "flee like there's a revolution happening" eviction and relocation by the 202 Watts boys. Though understandable given city laws, the straggling beer cans, bags of hamburgers and barbecue condiments left on the porch gave the instant abandonment theme so much more weight.
That's all I've got for 2003. Can't wait to see what ridiculousness is awaiting us next year.
Jen Wlach is a Trinity senior. Her column appears every other Friday.
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