Forgive me for flogging that Sigma Chi party to death, but I have something new to say about it, something a lot of people are thinking but won't admit: it was a Very Good Thing.
Before I go and prove my point, let's take one last opportunity to admire just what the Sigma Chis have accomplished. Drunken Mexicans, expired green cards, a "Border control station": I mean, it's as if this party was drawn up by German engineers with the specific purpose of maximizing the number of people pissed off. Bravo, guys--it was textbook.
Of course, I'm not endorsing such blatant racial stereotyping. I'm terribly offended, like everybody else. But if we looked at this situation rationally, if we were to do a cost-benefit analysis, I think we'd find that Sigma Chi has done us all a big favor.
On the downside, Latinos and their sympathizers got offended, and that's a bad thing. But on the other hand--Mi Gente gets its name in the paper, indignant columnists like Bridget Newman are kept in business for another week, President Keohane gets to restate her commitment to diversity once again and then we all get treated to a big protest on the Chapel steps.
Purpose-hungry students spend all summer trying to figure out what to protest now that the war is over, and as soon as we get back Sigma Chi has the selflessness to throw itself on the sacrificial pyre. It was all seamlessly executed.
So, brothers of Sigma Chi, I'm sure you're in a lot of pain right now. But even as we denounce you as stupid, racist frat boys, know that we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for giving us someone to denounce. Vayan con Dios.
Now let us turn to more serious matters. What are the odds that something so fortuitous will befall us again in the near future? Are we just going to leave it to chance? Why, I ask, must we pray to the gods for rain when we can irrigate instead?
I have a solution capable of killing multiple birds with a single stone. In one stroke, fraternities will be guaranteed continued relevance, and Duke will be ensured of a constant, nourishing stream of outrage for years to come.
Here's the plan: From now on, student groups will pay fraternities to offend them.
When we harness the power of capitalism so ingeniously, everybody benefits. Minorities of all kinds get treated to an upward spiral: They can use their University funding to buy insults, which result in sympathetic Chronicle coverage and increased visibility, which in turn lead to more funding. And if they should then take advantage of being so horribly insulted by presenting the University with a list of demands, Nan will be all ears.
The offending fraternities get an incentive to stay on campus. After all, everyone loves a villain--in fact, I'll bet that, between curious onlookers, belligerent progressive types and secretly racist admirers, Sigma Chi's next party will attract twice as many people.
And the rest of us? Well, I envision a day when the whole system will run so smoothly that we'll be able to attend a horribly insensitive gathering--say, "Delta Sig's Dress Like Apu Night" or "Deke's International Jewish Banking Conspiracy Hoedown"--toss back five or six beers, then pick up our pre-printed placards and stumble to the bus stop for an impassioned, drunken protest against such reckless intolerance.
The possibilities are endless. How about an IFC-sponsored field trip to the next Atlanta Braves-Cleveland Indians game? How about making Trent Lott our next commencement speaker? If he's busy, we could just make the invitation, protest and withdraw it before the senator finds out what's going on.
And if our student groups were to pool their resources and co-sponsor an event, we could have something truly monumental. Something like: "BSA and ASA Proudly Present Pi Kappa Alpha's First Annual Minstrel Show--Get Your Laundry Done While You Wait!"
You see that with just a little thought and effort, we can transform Duke from a notoriously apolitical campus into a veritable hotbed of dissent, where every day students will be able to experience the thrill of sticking it to The Man, where "dialogue" can flow like wine. But such an opportunity is no gift--we must seize what is rightfully ours.
We must realize that the ritual of offense-protest-apology is absolutely vital to the survival of our community. This time the Fates saw fit to bless Sigma Chi with the divine gift of idiocy, but next time we may not be so lucky. Sigma Chi has shown us the way--now it is our duty to make every single constituency at Duke very, very uncomfortable.
Robert Goodman is a Trinity junior. His column appaers every third Thursday.
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