Homecoming weekend provided a nice distraction from the typical social grind. We got to see some familiar faces; we had a different excuse to drink for three days straight; and we had the opportunity for a one-night stand (a two-nighter if you worked it right). The only problem: a lot of the people utilizing the infusion of warm bodies to the stale hook-up scene were already in relationships.
Apparently when an old flame returns, the libido defaults and tell us to put a new love interest on the back burner and keep indiscretion on the down low. Some just slipped a little, making out on the dance floor before freaking out and ending it. Others, however, fell back to old habits with past Duke loves, turning off cell phones and ignoring thoughts of the new girl or boy at law school. And in between the nights at Charlie's, tailgating and off-campus festivities, conversation was all about rationalizing.
"We don't have a title. We have been exclusive for like a month, but I mean, it's not like he can be mad that I did anything."
"Technically we're together. But she's back at med school, and what happens at Homecoming stays at Duke."
"Whatever, it's not like I'm married."
I have wanted to address the issue of infidelity for a while now, but never found the right impetus. But after a weekend of listening to college graduates--adults in the real world with real jobs--shrug off cheating, I found my conversational fodder. Before coming to school, cheating was a black and white issue: you don't cheat and you don't forgive it. But once on campus, infidelity became a gray disaster area.
People were in open relationships; people were on a break (which does not work by the way). Couples sat down and planned out a definition of cheating, anticipating that one or both of them would stray.
"Infidelity is expected" was one of the many lessons we took with us from East Campus.
At the University we sign an honor code, a promise to be loyal to the tenets of academia. We face harsh consequences--suspension, even expulsion for our improprieties. But in relationships there is no contract establishing the rules of loyalty. Instead we go by our word, putting our integrity on the line with an unspoken commitment to fidelity.
And while cheating can get you kicked out of a relationship, for many, the consequences of romantic dishonor pale in comparison to those handed down by the judicial board. We wouldn't dare plagiarize, but when it comes to relationships, some have no qualms about infidelity. The damage done to your boyfriend or girlfriend, the emotional scars, the effect it has on your relationship, these don't serve as a deterrent.
At a time when cheating has become a recurring facet of relationships, I ask, has infidelity become acceptable?
This is by no means an across the board change. For many, cheating remains the unconditional, "don't do it" issue that it was pre-college. Even the mental giant Jessica Simpson expressed her thoughts on infidelity when she told husband Nick on "Newlyweds" that she would shoot his genitals off if he ever cheated on her.
For the past three years I have watched people who value principles like loyalty and trust, cheat, be cheated on and continue to stay in those committed relationships. And to sound like the natural blonde I am, I just don't get it.
In between rounds of flip cup and hot tubbing, conversation at my favorite off-campus house turned to relationship gossip. There were stories of the couples that broke up, followed by the ex-girlfriend immediately starting to sleep with one of his frat brothers. Among the usual suspects was the case of the boy cheating on his girlfriend with her best friend, or better yet, her worst enemy.
One Duke veteran was surprised by the number of couples who were still going strong despite incidents of cheating. Apparently the old schoolers were a little less tolerant of the "stray but stay together" plan. And as story after story of cheating was told, I started to wonder what this means for us in the future.
Will the chronic hook-up guy, the one who literally has a different girl for every night, ever be able to commit to one person? If alums still have no qualms about cheating, when does this situation (which I thought was a college novelty) resolve itself? How many of us will grow up to be 40-somethings who would never cheat on income taxes, yet have affairs on the side?
Yes, there is the argument that we're young, we're stupid and we all make mistakes...repeatedly. There is the point that a lot of romantic cheaters also have no problem cheating academically; quite frankly these kinds of people will cheat on anything from card games to magazine quizzes. And clearly, when you're looking at marriage vs. college relationships, it is not the same scenario. I just don't understand where the fine line is drawn that differentiates when it is okay to cheat, and when it becomes an absolute no-no.
After three years without an answer, I guess it simply comes down to the fact that no two people live the same life. If there is any lesson to be taken from this school, it's that everyone has a different approach to how they operate. Quick as we may be to judge others for their indiscretions (especially if you're from Long Island--judging is like breathing for us natives), in the end you only need to be able to live with your decisions. So go out, do what you think is right for you, and guys, if you're gonna cheat, make sure not to marry a girl like Jessica Simpson.
Jen Wlach is a Trinity senior. Her column appears every other Friday.
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