Commentary: Cubs-Sox? The end

The Major League Baseball playoffs start today, and with the Rally Monkey having mercifully gone the way of social life on West campus, this October promises new intrigue, hopefully revolving more around 200-pound men than three-pound stuffed animals. (Side note: remember when Disney planned on making a movie about the Rally Monkey?? Funny...I haven't seen too many previews for it lately. Maybe Disney did some research and discovered that the Rally Monkey is about as cool as the Duke parking police.)

No, the main reason to get excited about this year's playoffs is that--God help us all--the Red Sox (gasp!) and Cubs (goodness gracious!) could just meet in the World Series (Note: if it doesn't happen, Red Sox and Cubs fans, I absolve myself from blame for any Chronicle column jinx. Don't even try it.) Granted, the moons and planets would have to align, and Hell would have to get so cold that even George Steinbrenner would need a sweater, but the two most cursed franchises in professional sports have their most legitimate chances at ending decades of futility in a long, long time. This prospect that should have doomsayers carrying "The End is Near" signs with special vigor this October, for Armageddon may not be far off if it were to occur. In fact, if the Cubs and Red Sox were to meet in the Series, I'd half expect an earthquake to send Fenway and Wrigley tumbling into the Earth, because there's no way the baseball gods will let either of these teams escape their curses too easily.

A quick refresher course in baseball history: the last time the Red Sox were spotted in the World Series, in 1986, Bill Buckner was busy letting Mookie Wilson's routine grounder, and the hopes and dreams of New Englanders the world over, trickle between his legs. The perpetually snake-bitten Red Sox, who won the first-ever World Series in 1903, last won it all in 1918, when, incidentally, they defeated the Cubs. As every two-year old in the Northeast knows, following their championship the Sox traded their star pitcher (yes, pitcher) Babe Ruth to the Yankees--beginning the curse that haunts Fenway to this day.

The Cubs, meanwhile, make the Sox look about as pity-worthy as Wilt Chamberlain, holding the gold standard in sporting futility. The team last appeared in the Series in 1945, and last captured a title in 1908.

Since the Curse of the Bambino is in danger of evaporating, and the Lovable Losers may, god forbid, become winners, let's take a little look at what would happen if either of these star-crossed teams were to actually take home World Series rings.

Meanwhile, back in Boston, the governor declares following the victory parade that the state motto of Massachusetts will henceforth be "Noo-maaaah"--and mandates that all school children pledge their allegiance not to the United States of America, but to American League batting champ and World Series MVP Bill Mill-aaaaah. The ghost of the Bambino is seen melting away forever into the Green Monster. Roger Clemens announces that, all previous statements to the contrary, he actually would prefer to go into the Hall of Fame with a Red Sox cap rather than a Yankees hat. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck begin filming a made-for-TV movie about the Sox' championship season.

But when morning comes, and Boston fans awake with a hangover following the celebration to end all championship celebrations only to see Fenway closing for the offseason, they look in the mirror and feel a profound sense of emptiness. They flood the sports talk radio shows with complaints that the Sox won in seven games, and not six...but they still don't feel any better. For what are the Red Sox without the Curse of the Bambino? What are they to grumble about, and wish for? After a few unhappy moments they put on their "Yankees Suck" tee-shirts, and buy tickets to next year's first Yankees home game--and all is back to normal in Red Sox nation.

If the Cubs win the World Series...

Lake Michigan--and Hell, for good measure--freeze over. As the Cubs pile onto the field to celebrate their championship, the clouds part, and Harry Caray's face appears in the sky, asking all awestruck Cubbies fans down below: "If you were a hot dog, would ya eat yourself? I know I would. I'd put on some mustard and ketchup...I'd be tasty!" William "The Refrigerator" Perry, Jim McMahon and Mike Ditka reconvene in Chicago to help Kenny Lofton and Moises Alou translate the Super Bowl Shuffle into the World Series Shuffle. White Sox players help to usher the victory parade and sweep up the trash. Restaurants begin to offer wine "corked by Sammy". Michael Jordan's statue is torn down and replaced by the likeness of Mark Prior. Disney--using the budget originally reserved for a movie about something called the "rally monkey"--begins work on an animated film about the Lovable Losers becoming Lovable Winners!!

But when the celebration ends, and Sammy Sosa completes his tour of the late-night talk shows, and the day games at Wrigley cease for another four months, melancholy sets in for the Cubs fans. For the Cubbies aren't even the most Lovable Losers in town! The White Sox now bear the Chicago standard for losing. Where's the fun in cheering for the Lovable Winners? But then Cubs fans content themselves, realizing that it took 95 years for the team to earn its second title, and it will surely take as long to post its third. And with that, the world returns to normal on the North side of Chicago.