Examining the college rankings that truly matter...

If you're as bored as we are by the never-changing U.S. News and World Report annual College Rankings (could we please move ahead of UPenn?), you'll be happy to know that the good people at the Princeton Review have released their new, far more entertaining rankings for the '03-'04 academic year. As usual, they're full of fun. Recess lets you in on the results and offers its opinions:

 The news is good for us at Duke. We've been crowned the 3rd "Best Overall Experience for Undergraduates" ahead of even our friends in Cambridge. Beyond that, we rank highly as tough to get into, having a beautiful campus and packing the stadiums (it turns out we're quite the "jock school"). More ignominiously, we garnered positions on the "Little Race/Class Interaction" and "Town-Gown Relations are Strained" lists, but, hell, at least we're off the "Alternative Lifestyles aren't an Alternative" top 20.

 The favorite Ivy League party spot, meanwhile, remains Dartmouth College; the inebriates in Hangover Hanover managed a number 5 ranking for "Lots of Beer" and landed at number 10 for "Major Frat and Sorority Scene." Sadly, a passed out Sam Adams soaked nerd is still a nerd, and, predictably, a number of top public Uni's held their own as the true creme de la creme of partiers. The University of Colorado-Boulder took home top honors for partying this year (adding to its title as number 1 for "Their Students Never Study"), thanks in large part to its top 5 rankings in "Lots of Hard Liquor," "Major Frat and Sorority Scene" and "Reefer Madness." News of the Colorado triumph likely proved disappointing to the Blitzed Badgers at Wisconsin, who finished as the new 2 party school despite the remarkable feat of capturing dual number 1 rankings in both "Lots of Beer" and "Lots of Hard Liquor."

 Colorado and Wisconsin also earned high marijuana honors, but the summa cum laude graduates in this category go to Skidmore College. Potheads at Lewis & Clark College fared well too with a number 2 ranking, and also managed to capture the even more coveted "Birkenstock-wearing, Tree-hugging, Clove-Smoking Vegetarians" crown. The godforsaken town of Portland, Oregon contains not only Lewis and Clark, but also its cross-town God-ignoring rival Reed College; the two "Nostalgic for Bill Clinton" schools placed first and second in the category "Students Ignore God on a Regular Basis." By the way, an institution calling itself "Simon's Rock College of Bard" places third behind the Oregonians in the reefer category; one thing you can't slight the Princeton Review for is lack of thoroughness in scouring all the colleges in the country.

 Now all of this may leave you asking, so where do the losers go to school? There are many places, but a few deserve particular recognition. Both Wheaton College and the US Naval Academy earned high rankings for "Don't Inhale," "Got Milk?", "Scotch and Soda, Hold the Scotch" and "Stone-Cold Sober Schools," but there remains only one true giant in the world of college-age temperance and self-denial. And that school is Brigham Young. The moderating Mormons at BYU took home first place in each of the last three categories listed above and finished 2nd for "Don't Inhale." Still, despite it all, life is good for the Puritanical pupils in Provo who placed 2nd for overall quality of life. And perhaps the most depressing school in America is the Illinois Institute of Technology which ranks not only as the ugliest, but also happens to have the 4th least happy students; Montana Tech has the least happy and Cal Tech has the kids who study the most; interestingly, the school "Most Nostalgic for Ronald Reagan," Washington & Lee, also happens to be the 5th biggest partier; this appears to create quite the conservative dichotomy, as the other Reaganites include BYU and the Navy--schools not quite into the same frat, hard liquor scene.

 Now how would you ever learn that from U.S. News?