Before I get started, I have an announcement to make. THE SECOND GUNMAN is turning pro after this season and would prefer to be called "Jay" from now on. Jay will refer to himself in the first person plural from here on out.A Professional athletes and egomaniacs commonly refer to themselves in the third person, but we would like to set a standard of originality.
Last night, we were bored and decided to solve the Duke parking problem. We didn't know who to contact about this, so we searched the Duke website for "bureaucracy" to see what would pop up.A Unfortunately, the people at Microsoft got a little ahead of themselves when they made Windows XP. After typing the letter 'b', the search field completed itself, reading "britney spears xxx." Apparently, we have searched for this before. Although this is not what we originally wanted, the parking problem suddenly seemed insignificant.
We decided that Windows knows best, and that we really would rather check out the latest, greatest fake Britney porn. Besides, doesn't Catherine Reeve work full-time on solving the parking problems?A Her new plan is to create a community in the Blue Zone by hiring full-time "parking coordinators" to permanently reside in the best spot in each lot. Additionally, only those students who purchased a Blue Zone pass will be allowed in the lots. This eliminates the threatening presence of "non-drivers" and poor people.A Remember, they made a conscious choice to not participate in the Blue Zone community.
Back to porn, which reminds us our hard drive is nearly full. We ordered a new one a month ago, so it should be here any time soon. The lady with the big hair at the East Campus Post Office said it wasn't in yet, but she seemed very excited about a new idea they were trying out to speed things up a little. She called it the "Pony Express." Catchy name. I hope the ponies don't drop my hard drive.A The Olsen twins will be legal soon, and I'll need the disk space.
Damn attention deficit disorder! Why is it that I can sit upstairs in Brodie Gym for hours watching Randolph dormitory girls change their clothes, but I can't sit still long enough to write my column, even when it's about porn?A
Now I'm all tired, but I have so much work to do. Can you believe my sociology professor assigned us 15 pages to read this week? Neither can I. I thought she would ease up after last week's 10-page reading and one-page response. Any more of this and I'm dropping the sociology major all together.A I heard public policy is easier anyway. On a side note, I wrote a paper about how proud I am to attend a University that refuses to sell out to corporations. I had to drink three Starbucks double shots to crank that one out.
D'oh! We got so caught up in other matters that we forgot our new pronoun game. This could take some getting used to. At least using the plural keeps us original. So we were looking for Britney online and about forty pop-ups blink onto the screen. We usually close these, but our roommate is in the Teer Building for the night, so we might as well check out a few new sites. What an idiot! We still cannot understand why people would choose engineering as a major when they know it involves so much math and science. What really chaps our asses is when they have the nerve to complain.A Just like when freshmen eat at the Marketplace and complain that the food sucks. Never mind, that's different. It's a valuable part of the freshman experience.A Time and time again, it has been shown that groups of people bond when they are collectively bent over.
So we clicked on a promising link in one of the pop up windows called, "See total prostitutes do what they do best," expecting to at least see some action shots. Turns out it's just a picture of two cops standing by a row of ticketed cars. We were wondering what kind of weird fetish site this was until we looked at the URL. For those of you computer novices, URL is the web address that you are viewing. It stands for "yoU aRe Located." Some of the engineers aren't too social, but they are willing to share useful knowledge like this, if you show them your calculator, preferably TI-89 or equivalent.A Anyway, the URL was www.duke.edu/parking. The prostitutes in action were ignoring the alarms going off in the dirt lot in favor of ticketing every car in the Beta Lot.
On an unrelated note, we would like to publicly mock/apologize to a freshman who was horribly duped on the bus last week. He was sitting in one of those sideways seats at the front of the bus, you know, the ones that face each other. So he's looking around, taking in the sights, enjoying one of his first weeks at Duke. An upperclassman standing in the aisle looked behind the kid and read the "PLEASE RESERVE THESE SEATS FOR SENIORS AND PERSONS WITH DISABILITIES" sticker, then seized the opportunity. "Hey man, those seats are reserved for seniors. I've paid my dues, now I'd like to sit there. You can have it back in three years."A The kid swifty rose to his feet, vacating the seat. Apparently the admissions office was a little lenient with this year's crop.
THE SECOND GUNMAN broke four gate arms last week.
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