301 FLOWERS -- Even though it was Friday afternoon, the Grid Pickers were all still sitting in the Chronicle office. Their collective gaze was focused on Kevin Le "-ast likely to dunk a basketball" -es, who had been sitting in a chair since Wednesday, stuck on the infinite loop that had all page nine stories jumping to page nine.
"Again!" Lees said. "Why does this story just keep going in circles?"
Pointing and laughing at him were Dave In "-breds populate most of West Virginia" -gram and Alex "I" Gar "-entee that Dave will finish dead last in Grid Picks" -inger, who were busy trying to create some sort of controversy in the DSG elections.
In another part of the office, the sports triumvirate of Paul Dor "-chester, Mass. is not a great area" -an, Tyler "Guns N" Rosen and Evan "Wilder should win an Oscar" Davis were mulling over feedback to Davis' comments about an ECU fan's lack of teeth.
"At least I edited out the part about them being illiterate rednecks," Doran said.
Hearing their calling, Rol "-aids spells relief" -ly Miller and John "the" Bush "-whackers were a fantastic WWF tag team" appeared, insisting that such comments offended Southerners.
"Y'all better stop with that nonsense," the duo insisted. "Or else I'll be gittin' my shotgun out of my pickup truck."
Running for their lives, the sports trio went sprinting across West Campus. Rosen and Davis made their way into the dorms, but Doran was locked out, having been deemed a detriment to the Duke community by the clowns in the housing office, who were debating whether to replace "rejected" with "persona non grata" on the card readers.
Turning around, Doran saw Robert Tai "-ger Lily is my favorite Peter Pan character" and "Don" Matt "-ingly is an underrated baseball legend" Atwood, who were engaged in a heated debate over something that did not involve the biology of dinosaurs, and thus was lost on Doran.
Continuing on his quest to find shelter, Doran zipped past Robbie Samuel "Beckett was a really good playwright" and Whitney Beckett "baseball card monthly was a must read when I was 10" before running into Brian Morray "-vian is a school in eastern Pennsylvania," who was wondering if there was anyone on the entire campus who wanted to help him with graphics so that he didn't have to do them every single freaking night.
From afar, Gabe Git "thee to a nunnery" -hens and Greg V eis "-a is everywhere you want to be" saw Doran running, but did not stop to say "hi" because they knew Doran was still upset about Githens using up all of his Visine last week.
Having struck out with his Flying Saucer waitress last weekend, Veis looked pretty preoccupied anyway.
"Picking up girls on the Walkway is a lot harder than I thought," he said wistfully.
Entering the Bryan Center, Doran found a haven in the DSG office, which was filled with a whole bunch of people doing a whole lot of productive, important things.
"What are you doing in here?" Doran asked of Nick Christ "-like he is not" -ie, Neelum Jest "a girl is my favorite No Doubt song" -e and Mi "Grid Picks last week sucked" -ke Corey.
"We're just discussing how little boys know about football," Jeste replied, still gloating over her stellar performance in last week's picks. "I can't believe how easy I have it playing against these two guys."
Catherine "I'm a huge fan of Gilbert and" Sullivan, added to the guys' embarrassment.
"I haven't even thought about sports in a year, and I'm whipping your butts too," she proclaimed.
For his part, Christie took the criticism like a man. Corey, however, with quivering lips and tear-stained eyes, struggled to keep it together.
With his staff apparently on the brink of mass defection, Doran dropped to his knees.
"You can't join DSG, you just can't," he pleaded.
Finding little sympathy from the two stone-faced sophomores, Doran focused in on Christie.
"Nick, are you kidding me? Join those lazy bastards and you'll end up obese like that portly what's-his-face," Doran threatened.
Just then the Free Traders' better half, Ken "Democrats are" Re-"tarded" -inker walked in to Duke Student Government's prestigious headquarters.
"Yeah, don't join DSG, guys," he chimed in. "They serve less purpose than Dean Chafe."
The three associates returned. A potentially catastrophic crisis had been averted.
--By all of the off-campus fraternity brothers, who aren't allowed to have card access to their own sections.
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