Move over New York. Give it up, San Francisco. The International Olympic Committee is going to have some reconsidering to do once they realize that they overlooked DURHAM IN 2012. Our fair city is the perfect place for this hallowed international event for so many reasons....
There's no denying that Durham's a tobacco town--from the Lucky Strike tower in downtown to the University endowment's funding. So what better mascot for the Durham Olympics than Rhett the Cigarette. Like other mascots before him, Rhett will be pimped out harder on merchandise than a hooker on Sunset Blvd. It's a bonus if some eight-year-olds think smoking will improve their game.
While the opening ceremonies will be held in the perpetually empty parking lots around South Square Mall with a rain site at the perpetually empty American Tobacco building downtown, the closing ceremonies will be a traditional bonfire on Main West. (Throwing dorm furniture into the fire will be highly encouraged because when the world is watching, the bigger the better.)
Durham?s quality DATA bus system is already in place to transport athletes from the Olympic Village located in Trent. Bill Burig will be on hand to explain to all the athletes why their housing is so shitty. Parking will be conveniently located in Chapel Hill with buses running every three to four hours.
As for events that could take place at Duke, we humbly submit these for IOC consideration:
A midnight marathon through the Blue Zone, the Gardens and East Campus ending on the Chapel steps--avoiding the random campus masturbators really challenges the athletes to stay on their toes. Bonus points for eluding random gunfire.
The WEL?s new aquatic facility will be home to the 400-meter medley. But if anything is damaged during the medley, the University will not be responsible for payment.
DATA will lure contestants away from the World?s Strongest Man competitions with the bus pull down Chapel Drive.
Synchronized swimming in the Garden fishpond. Bonus points for using the largest fish in your routine.
Drunken fraternity brothers reinvent the javelin throw as a group event, using football goal posts.
Tired of that crotch-grabbing Greco-Roman mess, mascot wrestling becomes the rage of this Olympiad with the Duke Blue Devil taking on Wool E. Bull of the Durham Bulls and that Tar Hole Ram.
Larry Moneta, vice president for student affairs, stages an illustrious comeback unprecedented in the history of weightlifting by clean and jerking the entire campus social scene.
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