Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. As spokesman for the organization formerly known as the Major League Baseball Players' Association, I am happy to announce that we have agreed to a list of demands which, if met, will mean that a strike can in fact be averted. Drum roll please....
Heading our list is that we no longer wish to be called "baseball players," for while baseball is a game for some, it is what puts us on par with those who claim Windsor as a surname. From this day forth, the Organization of Divine Baseball Competitors will serve as our union.
Furthermore, we are unsatisfied with the All-Star Game format as it currently stands. While much has been made about the fact that this year's game did not actually produce a winner, we competitors are much more concerned about another aspect of the game: the fact that it was played in Milwaukee. The NFL Pro Bowlers get a trip to Hawaii, and we're stuck spending two "vacation" days in the worst place in America that doesn't end in "ong Island?" Enough is enough. From now on we're heading out to some Caribbean Island--preferably one with waitresses who serve those frozen drinks with the little umbrellas.
And what's with all this steroid talk? If we want to make our family jewels smaller than a kernel of corn, then that's our right. Who cares if we're desecrating the integrity of the game by hitting more home runs than Mike Tyson does women? Let's replace the Home Run Derby with the Hit Singles to the Opposite Field Derby, and then tell me if the fans shell out dough to see that.
And speaking of dough, what's with these ticket prices? Only $20 to sit in the upper deck and watch us play? I mean, Britney Spears charges more than that, and she sucks.
Come on guys, it's not like we're all living the good life. Sure, you hear about the guys like Alex Rodriguez and Jason Giambi signing these nine-figure deals, but what about the little guys? I mean, there are guys on some teams making a few hundred thousand. What's that all about? There are doctors who make more than that, and they're just saving lives. You think that your average brain surgeon can throw 95 m.p.h.?
The fact is, most fans have no idea what we go through to get where we are. You think that your life is tough because you have to ride a bus to work every morning? Try hopping on one of those bad boys to go play three games in Wichita when you're kicking around the minor leagues. You ever been to Wichita? It's a small step up from Milwaukee.
So here we are, fortunate enough to be in the big leagues, and now these hotshots want to contract two teams and send a bunch of us back down to Triple-A. Well, we say, "No way!" In fact, we competitors insist that Major League Baseball continue to expand, just as it did so recklessly only a decade ago. They're clamoring for teams in places like Washington D.C., New Orleans, Huntsville and Fargo. Hell, expand to Tiajuana for all we care. And expand the rosters to 40. Let's get some more guys into the majors. Strength of the talent pool be damned.
And as if all that's not enough, while we toil away we get to hear government officials bashing our commissioner. Bud Selig goes in front of Congress and whines about debt, and those guys look back at him and tell him that's no way to run a business. Then they pass some more legislation that puts our national deficit into the trillions?! Selig may be an idiot, but he's a hell of a lot smarter than that W. guy sitting in the Oval Office.
Well folks, that's a wrap. Some people say that we're spoiled, but let's face the facts. Until we're treated properly--like Mr. Bonds gets his own locker room--we'll just continue to strike. Now, who's saying we're not rational?
Evan Davis is a Trinity senior and senior associate sports editor. His column appears weekly.
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.