Celebrity Deathmatch-in the Flesh

As if Mike Tyson's ear-biting exploits weren't dramatic enough, the Fox television network brings us Celebrity Boxing, Hollywood-style smackdown with a ringful of B-list all stars. You know how this must have happened: In its never-ending quest to lower the bar for primetime programming, Fox looked to cable's paragon of profundities: MTV. Some smarmy young executive was watching late-night reruns of the music network's past-prime Celebrity Deathmatch and in a rare moment of inspiration thought to himself, "Wouldn't that be cooler if they were real?!"

Enter witch-blade ice demon Tonya Harding and Prez-pounding Clinton hag Paula Jones, and you've got the premiere of Celebrity Boxing, airing March 13. For the "stars," it's an exploitive dose of limelight sure to add nanoseconds to a long-expired 15 minutes of fame--for us, it's pure, unadulterated entertainment.

Matchups We'd Like to See:

Dave Matthews v. John Mayer: The singers get 30 seconds to craft their weapon--an "infectious" hook to be played on repeat throughout the match.

Kurt Loder v. Dan Rather: The newscasters lull each other into comas with monotone oratories and glassy stares. The winner gets the loser's most recent Social Security check.

Lil' Kim v. Foxxy Brown: LK and Foxxy trade their gloves in for portable lipo-vacuums. The last one left with a fat roll wins.

Kevin Spacey v. Tom Hanks: Kevin and Tom wield Oscars--two apiece--and attempt to pull out each other's remaining hair.

Rosie O'Donnell v. Ellen DeGeneres: The two comedians refuse to fight in shameless bids for "America's Nicest Lesbian" title.

Jessica Alba v. Sarah Michelle Gellar: TV's underworld asskickers bring on the pain without smudging their mascara--maybe it's Maybelline.


Share and discuss “Celebrity Deathmatch-in the Flesh” on social media.