Triangle traffic: Driving me crazy

The un-timed red lights, the people who never learned what a turn signal is, the self-righteous slow drivers in the fast lane, break tapping at a green light, the general inability to accelerate from a complete stop, the way people move into the merge lane, the leaves all over the roads, the potholes, the street names that change every two blocks, 15-501, the mind-numbing traffic light at Erwin Road and LaSalle Street that offers eastbound drivers a green-arrow at 1 a.m., the merge at I-40 and the Durham Freeway, the lack of lights on the highways, the traffic-thoughtless design of Research Triangle Park, the road to nowhere that is the "Downtown Loop," the train that seems to be around only when you have class on East Campus or are trying to sleep....

Driving in the Triangle is like Hell with less heat.

I've been fortunate during my four years on the roads here--no accidents, no tickets, no road rage. I follow four simple rules that are not covered in most drivers education books:

1. Do not blink, as not checking a mirror or looking straightforward for just one second can result in being blindsided by a SUV-driving soccer mom on a cell phone.

2. Keep one hand on the horn at all times.

3. Bring a Bible.

4. Keep a steady stream of curse words running through your head while you are driving, so that when someone does cut you off, broadside you, run you off the road or decide to go 55 miles per hour in the fast lane, your errant shouts of four-letter-words will sound more fluid and organic.

As one of The Chronicle's film critics and as a generally adventurous person, I've made more than my share of road trips from point A--to point Lost--to point B. Movie theaters are often located in exotic sounding places like "North Ral," "Five Points," "Timberlyne" and "Cameron Village." Downtown Raleigh has some fine bars and places to go clubbing, but getting there usually takes up all of my curse words, the Book of Joshua, 15 honks and eye-drops--making the clubbing and boozing experience much less memorable.

In the movie Clueless, the father instructs his daughter that "everywhere in Los Angeles takes 20 minutes." In the Triangle, everywhere should take 20 minutes. Anywhere instead takes an hour.

Have no desire to check out the state capital? Then what about going to Chapel Hill. A friend once remarked that the old Dean Smith quote that Duke was only nine miles from a great school seemed more like fiction. The drive from Durham to Chapel Hill is the longest nine miles anywhere. Why? The abomination of a road that is NC 15-501. Instead of connecting the two towns by a highway, we have this messy, poorly timed belt-line with two lanes--slow and slower. 15-501 is a well designed speed trap and has no business serving as a major artery between Durham and Chapel Hill.

Perhaps I am being a bit too harsh on the North Carolina Department of Transportation, or whoever designs the traffic flow around here. Still, when it comes to traffic concerns the state government seems to suffer from cranial-rectal inversion. The problems with left turn lanes (why can't we allow people to turn left when on a green light and no on-coming traffic?), one-way streets (it is illegal to turn left from a one way to a one way on a red light--this issue was brought up before the legislature last spring and roundly dismissed by legislators and constituents alike) and the total lack of bike lanes, given the number of hippie ride-to-work-bicyclists there are in the Triangle, all suggest that something is amiss at NCDOT.