ROLLING VIEW MARINA -- This week, the Grid Pickers decided that it was no longer appropriate to continue their hero-worship of athletes.
Craig "not Morley" Saperstein, in a bid to become more like his 60 Minutes namesake, spent all week at a marina in Raleigh, waiting for another football coach to save a man driving into the water. Unfortunately, he caught a sniffle, and all week long, his voice ended up two octaves lower.
To satisfy his boss' desire to see heroism up close, Paul "I a" Doran "cherish my time at The Chronicle" told Kevin "I" Lloyd "when I said I loved you" to drive an SUV into the water.
"I would do much, much worse to him if Craig would let me," Doran fumed before brightening. "I'd cut him out of Grid Picks; that's what I'd do!"
Unfortunately, Doran was distracted by "I" Am "a" bika "full of tofu and vinegar" Kumar, Dave "don't" In "hale a" gram "of marijuana" and Martin "Ringling Brothers and" Barna "m and Bailey Circus," who just happened to wander up, and forgot to rescue Lloyd.
While drowning, Lloyd was characteristically bitter, blaming the University administration for the water that was flooding his lungs.
Tyler "up and call the police" Rosen sat by himself on the dock trying to come up with a pun involving Lloyd and drowning.
Kevin "p" Lees "stop calling me a traitor" stood behind Doran, muttering about business cards, a portfolio and a useless digital recorder.
"This never would have happened if I ran sports," he whined to Jim "Like Caesar I will alight in my C" Herriott, who, while doing his best Jonas Blank impersonation, was admiring his own pants.
Harold "you have to admire the" Gut "s of a" mann "like Carl Franks" and Nick "jiminy" Christie "my pants are tight" argued about their picks with Christie, talking a lot and saying little, and Gutmann looking scared.
Meanwhile, Evan Dav "e Ingram" is "cooler than me" was back on campus leading DSG's campaign to ban the funny-looking Greg Ve is "comings to gets you" from ever writing for The Chronicle again. Davis, however, was busy with the preparations for his 21st birthday and forgot to buy the tar for the tar and feathering. Hundreds of angry DSG legislators were left to throw harmless feathers.
"That sort of leadership is what heroes are made of," Andrew Greenfield "at large" reported.
Drew "I'm in" Klein "d to beat your a--," "Rad" Thad Parsons and Eddie "Ricky Martin is a" Geisinger were taking turns photographing the battered body of Pratik "ly insane" Patel outside of a Raleigh club.
John "That's My" Bush "has been canceled" was holding an impromptu meeting on a pedalboat. He was trying to convince Adrienne "and Stimpy" Mercer, Christina Peter "ed out" sen and Matt, "Th" Atwood "en man" to editorialize about the neophytes' pathetic showing.
They decreed that the neophytes should live in tents and should not cut in the walk-up line.
Today's featured neophyte of the week, "Bill" Clinton "cried boo-hoo" McHugh "when Al Gore lost" was furious, yelling, "How will I have time to make it to the natatorium?"
Indeed, in these trying times, who can make it to the natatorium?
--By Al Groh, who does not let any Arabs in Grid Picks or his traveling party.
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