Last week Recess introduced you to the dark, sordid world of midget wrestling, and, in our opinion, that was the coolest thing happening between ring posts-until now. Yes, just when you thought it was safe to go back to your normal routine of the "big guys in sweaty spandex" world, there's more bad news.
This time it's the CWF, Christian Wrestling Federation, your all-in-one ringside revival and built-in biblical brawl. It may sound like a bad joke or an insensitive angle from a Kevin Smith movie, but the CWF is an actual wrestling organization that "hopes to express the love of God to youth all over the country in a new and dynamic way." Translation: prosyletizing by beating the crap out of each other.
Remember the commandment, "Thou shalt not piledriver thy neighbor onto shards of broken glass"-oh, wait, it doesn't say that? Well, then let's get it on!
Boasting wrestlers and referees such as "Jesus Freak" Rob Vaughn, Terry "The Book" Stephens, Angel and The Saint, the CWF travels around the country-or at least around their home base of Texas-holding Bible studies, testimonials and sing-alongs followed by various other wholesome activities such as bone-breaking punches, asphyxiating submission maneuvers and good old-fashioned carnage that will only end when one Bible-toting bruiser is rendered unconscious.
If there is a more appropriate way of spreading a message of love and tolerance than striking one another with tack hammers and trashcans, it escapes us. These religious ruffians are the perfect role models for young people. Here's a sample wrestler stat sheet:
Favorite Hymn: "Jesus Loves Me"; Favorite Scripture: John 3:16; Favorite method of making you believe that I just critically injured my fellow man: Atomic Genital Drop.
Yep. We're all going to Hell.
-By David Walters
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