Sugar and Spice Ain't So Nice

Going into Sugar and Spice already chuckling at the notion of cheerleaders with assault rifles, I was ready to enjoy my second cheerleader flick of the year and strike back against those who would libel me as elitist. After all, last year's Bring It On gave a surprisingly enjoyable mix of lighthearted self-satire and winsome perkiness to its trip through the pom-pom meat grinder. This movie, however, was just a setup for disappointment, taking a script that could have been edgy and nimble and making it as awkward as adolescence.

Marley Shelton plays Barbie-perfect Diane, positively oozing with enthusiasm as the centerpiece of an ensemble cheerleading squad. Shelton, as much as she tries, will never exceed the dramatic pinnacle that was her most memorable role: lifeguard Wendy Peppercorn in The Sandlot. Here, Shelton and her football captain boyfriend play a John Cougar Mellencamp-style cute couple. Jack and Diane-get it? Their doe-eyed naivete is played up more for cringes than laughs, as fun as it is to watch that couple you always loathed in high school deal with the bummer known as reality. The film is all your typical mindless narcissism disguised as love-that is, until Diane gets knocked up. But the film barely pauses to consider the implications of a prom queen with child before jumping into a ditzy scheme to rob a bank.

The four supporting cheerleaders, aside from a skanky Mena Suvari who seems like she is having the most fun of all the teen stars, are indistinguishable beyond their vaguely sketched character traits. Their performances all have the depth and personality of... real cheerleaders.

Too much can't be asked of a movie whose smartest offering is a sight gag ripped from Point Break. Even the masked robbery scene is so abrupt and uninspired that it doesn't provide half the comedy of the first three minutes of Dog Day After-noon. Too bad this stinker couldn't have taken some cues from the heist movies it sends up-we all know high school cheerleaders are cold-hearted bloodthirsty sorority-sisters-waiting-to-happen, so let's see some blood on the walls!