Mike, Freddy and Jason awaken one Friday morning as the smoke still rises from the charred remains of last night's spontaneous bonfire. They are seeking one of nature's sure-fire hangover cures: a bloody and dumb slasher flick.
[In the car]
Mike: So what is this we're going see, again? This time it better be for real-not another one of those Scream turds.
Freddy: No, I think this is the real deal. I didn't hear a single self-congratulating pop culture reference in the previews. There was, however, a Denise Richards in a bathing suit sighting. I'm telling you, we may have an authentic flesh n' blood slasher film here.
Jason: [gasp] You mean... there may be real gore?! And naked breasts?!
Freddy: For a while there I thought the whole genre was dead, but there might be hope
Mike: Please-anything that will allow me to vicariously carry out last night's sexual frustrations from the Hideaway through voyeuristic participation in ritual screen slaughter.
[In the theater]
F: This seems good so far. A suitably hot and dumb pre-med, a mildly threatening valentine note left just before she gets it and-yup, an amusingly ironic death among body bags in a morgue.
M: Well, it ain't Slumber Party Massacre, but I guess we have to rebuild somewhere. This final girl, she's Marley Shelton! I saw her just last week in Sugar and Spice!
J: Ooh, her friends are hot. And they're all frustrated with their status as nubile single women. I can't wait for them to get the knife.... Aren't they getting over their friend's murder a little too quickly?
F: Oh, I get it. The dating troubles of these women turn deadly when a sexually-repressed figure from their past comes back to seek vengeance. They can't seem to find the right guy, but the wrong guy has plans for them.
J: We've been duped-this isn't a slasher film! Its some sort of... ill-begotten chick flick! It's not Prom Night, it's Sex and Slaying in the City! Only on HBO they actually get naked! For the love of Jamie Lee Curtis, would some extended stalking sequences, creative death scenes, and-God help me-gratuitous nudity be too much to ask?
F: Don't you see how the urges and passions that come from dating an attractive woman can so easily turn into murderous tendencies? Wasn't that surprise ending neat?
M: I'm very disappointed at the crap you settle for as horror these days.
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