The transition of power in Washington is nearly complete. The inauguration of the new president is only days away. Every new administration arrives in Washington with the idea that it will redefine the way things are done. Indeed, the Bush administration is developing its own lexicon. Here is a sample:
EPA-Formerly known as the Environmental Protection Agency. This acronym will now stand for the Enable Polluters Agency.
Minimum Wage-What Linda Chavez would have deserved as Secretary of Labor.
Powell Doctrine-America will intervene militarily only when the other side has an army that still uses muzzle-loaders and grapeshot.
Affirmative Access-A completely color blind application process for employment and college admissions that results in white-only hiring and acceptance. Token minority participation is permitted under the concept of compassionate conservatism. See also The Bush Administration.
Compassionate Conservatism-Any articulated good intention, whether it is backed by action or not. Used in a sentence: Linda secretly paid her illegal Guatemalan maid because she was being a compassionate conservative.
Department of Halliburton-Formerly the Department of Energy, its chief mission will be to prepare the Alaskan wilderness safe for oil drilling, logging and pipelines.
Witness Protection Program-Now known as the Katherine Harris "goes to the mattresses" program.
"Good heart"-Anyone nominated by W. whether or not he or she has spoken at Bob Jones University, helped promote racial profiling, allowed polluters to police themselves in Colorado or has supported the busting of unions.
"Give it my all"-Start at 9 a.m., break at 10 a.m., fundraising lunch at 11 a.m., nap from 1 to 3 p.m., jog at 4 p.m., execution from 4:30 to 4:45 p.m., call it a day at 5 p.m.
The President-See Vice President.
Vice President-See The President.
Dick Cheney-See Vice President. See also President.
The George W. Bush Administration-The Administration formerly known as Ford.
$1.3 Trillion in Tax Cuts-The same $1.3 trillion to be taken out of the Social Security Trust Fund.
Social Security Trust Fund-An antiquated term to be replaced by the concept of investment. See also Day Trading.
Day Trading-Individual management of your social security funds.
Cold War-Over for everyone except for National Security Adviser designee Condoleeza Rice.
Death Tax-If you are a billionaire, you only need to fear the first word in this term.
Attorney General-Responsible for the enforcement of federal laws except for those pertaining to abortion or equality.
Recession-Economic slowdown that is the fault of one of the following: Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter or Lyndon Johnson.
Economic Recovery-Prosperity that is the result of policies of any of the following: Reagan, Bush, Nixon, Eisenhower, Coolidge, Harding, T. Roosevelt or Lincoln.
Supreme Court-Five of the best friends a man could ever have.
States' Rights-A political theory that advocates that local government is always the best unless one is in a very tight race and your family controls the election machinery in the state in question. See also Supreme Court.
Marriage Penalty-What Republicans think Bill Clinton has.
Lightning-What is more likely to strike Sen. Trent Lott than bipartisan cooperation.
Nation Building-Misuse of the military except in Iraq, Nicaragua, Lebanon or Grenada.
Anti-ballistic Missile System-A system to be developed that will allow the United States to shoot down an incoming missile from a rogue nation as long as the following occur: The rogue nation tells us in advance that it is going to shoot the missile, only one missile is fired, we have fifty chances to hit it and we get a "do over" in case all else fails.
Private Education-Using public funds to support private schools.
Public Education-See Private Education.
Separation of Church and State-Not anymore. See also Attorney General.
McCain-Feingold-Campaign finance reform proposal that would make it more difficult for fat cats to obtain influence in exchange for political contributions. It has about a zero percent chance of happening. As Daddy Bush would say, "Not gonna do it."
NRA-National Rifle Association. New address: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Charlton Heston-W.'s president.
Saddam Hussein-Likely to still be there after this Bush is gone, too.
DMV-Department of Motor Vehicles. DUI records will be seized and destroyed. See also Recount.
Recount-A re-tabulation of votes in a close election that is permitted under state law as long as it is assured that it does not change the outcome.
Non-sequitor-What occurs any time W. strays from his prepared speech.
W.-Twenty-third letter of the alphabet. See also Non-sequitor.
Martin Barna is a Trinity junior and editorial page editor of The Chronicle.
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