WONDERBOY and NASTYMAN declare their candidacy

It has been a sad week here in the Gothic Wonderland. Mike "Silky Smooth" Dunleavy came down with with mono and could be out for the rest of the season. WONDERBOY and NASTYMAN would like to apologize to everyone here for this senseless tragedy. We don't know what came over us. We should have been thinking about the good of the team, but all we thought of was ourselves. And without Mike, Duke lost a scorcher to a cocky young St John's club Saturday afternoon.

Of course, WONDERBOY and NASTYMAN were out there this weekend with our fellow students in K-ville, and we were happy to see Coach K make a guest appearance Friday night. Coach asked all the Crazies to leave the much-maligned Erick Barkley and the rest of the Red Storm alone at Saturday's game. First of all, any team named after menstrual innuendo is fair game, but that is beside the point. Asking Duke students not to make fun of the opposing team is like asking people from Appalachia not to bet on cockfights. Sure, it sounds good, but it just doesn't have the support of the people. Apparently, Coach K believes the NCAA rules are unfair and outdated, so he has been one of the most vocal supporters of a new proposal that would pay athletes work-study money for the time they spend on the field or court. However, Andy Borman and Ryan Caldbeck have asked if this stipend could be extended to cover the time spent running errands and washing their teammates' cars.

But that is not the end of Coach K's activism. To protest the NCAA's investigation of Barkley, Coach K has decided to make a symbolic gesture by exchanging his own brand-new Range Rover for Barkley's Ford Expedition, reenacting the alleged violation that started this mess. In a completely unrelated note, Barkley is unhappy at St. John's and will soon be transferring to Duke. In an equally unrelated note, WONDERBOY and NASTYMAN may be fired if we don't stop making libelous statements about the basketball team or if we give more members of the team mono (sorry again about that). Coach K and his boys are, after all, the cocks of the walk around here, and you can't step on their toes.

The only people who have been whining more than Coach K are the folks in the Asian Students Association. Brian Lee's letter to the editor complaining that The Chronicle failed to cover the Lunar New Year Festival-which Lee says celebrates Asians racial identity-really hit home with us. WONDERBOY and NASTYMAN, ever concerned with issues of racial sensitivity (just ask Orlando Melendez) attended the festival, and would like to make reparations for The Chronicle's grave oversight. The festival was pretty cool, but we didn't think it covered a wide enough spectrum of Asian culture. Where were the Asian coeds in Catholic schoolgirl outfits? Why would no one play Pokémon with us? The whole festival seemed pretty half-cocked, but there was a pretty cool martial arts demonstration, and since we never miss a chance for some good old fashioned bashing of The Chronicle, we agree with most of Lee's complaints. We think Phil Tinari said it best in his letter to the editor in Friday's paper when he claimed Lee's argument served "a globalized technocratic bourgeoisie." Wow. We are not sure if a globalized technocratic bourgeoisie is good or bad, but we sure think it sounds cool.

During the Lunar New Year Festival's brief intermission-during which several disillusioned members of the ASA showed off the ancient samurai rite of hara-kiri-we looked over the list of candidates for president of Duke Student Government. We wanted to decide whom to endorse because we know all too well the tremendous power our words wield here at the University. Last year, we voted for Lisa Zeidner because she looked pretty cute on her fliers, but this year there is no clear-cut choice. Mike Lieberman says he's "The Candidate with Vision," but, as far as we can tell, none of the other candidates are blind. Jordan Bazinsky seems OK, but we already made up our minds not to vote for anyone shorter than Lisa Zeidner. We tossed about the idea of running ourselves, but apparently we weren't hanging around the Public Policy building the day they handed out applications. There is probably a bylaw against people with classes on Science Drive running anyway, so it looks like it's write-in campaign time. So vote for WONDERBOY and NASTYMAN. Or don't-we really could care less. Either way, someone will win, nothing will happen, and somewhere, it will be cocktail hour.

WONDERBOY and NASTYMAN would like to apologize to NASTYMAN's father, the fly master, for making jokes about Asian stereotypes.