So the Y2K Grammys have come and gone, and all the kudos went to a '70s retread playing with a bunch of third-rate '90s hacks and a slew of glitzy prefab pop songsters. This year's ceremony was all about echoes; in addition to Santana's belated success, Sheryl Crow and Kravitz snagged wins for cover songs and Black Sabbath(??!!) body-slammed Rob Zombie and Nine Inch Nails for Best Metal Performance. And we won't even talk about Cher and Sting.
So what do you do with a way-stale national "awards" show that has all the relevance of traffic patterns in Montana? We at Recess are feeling the need for a major Grammy format change. Here are our picks for categories that could have made it a very, very different Grammys 2000:
Most Cleavage: Jennifer Lo(cut)pez, right, turned plenty of heads with her nonexistent neckline. And she's cuter, too.
Breast Female Pop Vocalist: Britney Spears.Of course they're real!
Wish You Were There: Old Dirty Bastard. Every awards show needs a crackhead.
Most Meaningless Nomination: Moby, for Best Rock Instrumental Performance. There are SEVEN categories with the word "Rock" in them, yet not one for DJ music. And last time we checked, "Can't stop y'all, let's rock y'all, to the beat y'all, the bodyrock y'all" was verbal expression. He'd have our vote for "Album of the Year," though.
Most Desired Comeback: Sir Mix-A-Lot. With emphasis on the "back."
Most Coveted Guest for Next Year: The Pope. We'd like to see the Infallible One break it down before he checks out.
-By Jonas Blank, Mary Carmichael, Alexandra Wolfe
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