There is a book out there entitled, Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. That may work for some people.
However, everything I needed to know I learned from watching professional wrestling. You'd be surprised what an influence it can be. Here's a quick sample of some helpful hints that can make finding your meaning in life a lot easier.
Bad guys must always cheat to win. If you're a good guy, like me, be prepared. No matter how much bigger or tougher the bad guy is, he will still have to cheat to win. When seven-foot Kevin Nash faced five-foot Rey Mysterio, he has to use a baseball bat to even the playing field. Even if the good guy gets pummeled the entire match, the bad guy must cheat to finish the deal. Outside interference, a chair, a cattle prod, whatever it takes. Sometimes the good guy is still victorious but usually not. Don't fret, though, you can avenge your loss in a rematch on pay-per-view.
The referee will always get knocked out for a portion of the contest. No main event fight is complete without the ref going down. This is usually the time when the good guy will have an apparent victory until the bad guy uses his illegal object or whatever to turn the tide. The good guy must weather this storm and hope the ref regains consciousness at the right time. In life, your boss will not always be watching when the bad guy cheats or you apparently win. But just tough it out. You'll come through in the end.
A bad guy can only become a good guy by beating up another bad guy. So, if you are a bad guy and want to be good, keep this in mind. It usually helps to assist a good guy in the process. Basically, you can just find some bad guy doing bad things and stop him. Everyone likes that. For example, Buff Bagwell was bad. He challenged Scott Steiner, who was more bad, to a fight. Now Buff is good.
Eastern Europe and the Middle East are evil. Nikolai Volkov, the Iron Sheik, Boris Zuckhov, Berlyn. All evil. Just steer clear and you will be okay. No need to interact with these types anyway. Leave fighting them to guys like Hacksaw Jim Duggan. But bad guys should note, beating up one of these characters could make you a good guy.
You must always refer to yourself in the third person. When the Rock discusses his upcoming fight, he says, "The Rock will lay the smackdown..." Remember, there is no "I" in professional wrestling. This third person talk really enhances your point, anyway, gives you credibility. I tell the editor, "Brian wants to write a wrestling column." There are no questions asked.
You must have a catch phrase to utter at the end of every speech you give. Next time you finish a presentation in class, see if this doesn't work. You say, "Who's project is next?" When someone starts to answer, you interrupt with, "It doesn't matter who's project is next." As a side note, a good intro never hurts either. Try making a really deep voice, pause, then bust out with, "Hey yo." This gets everyone's attention from the start.
Never forget that you have a middle finger. Use it, that's what it's there for. Stone Cold and Vince McMahon are forever exchanging these pleasantries. You know, it really gets you in good favor with a peer to just look him in the eye and give him the bird. It says, "Hey, I think you're number one." But make sure it's after 9 p.m. or it might get censored.
If you are not happy with your boss, challenge him or her to a fight. It worked for Stone Cold Steve Austin. It worked for Nature Boy Ric Flair. And don't worry, if you lose at first, it is likely due to the fact that he cheated. So, just challenge him again. Eventually you will win out (as long as you are the good guy). But remember, you must put your career or your house or something on the line to have any chance at all at a win.
If you ever change companies in the working world, you must also change your name. Scott Hall used to be Razor Ramon. Kurt Hennig used to be Mister Perfect. The Big Show used to be the Giant. Kevin Nash used to be Diesel. The reason for this is obviously that your new employer will likely be in the midst of a feud with your old employer and own the rights to your name. It just makes the change of venue a little easier for all involved.
Be sure to have a patented finishing move. You can't survive without your version of the Stunner, the People's Elbow, the Spear or the Stinger Splash. When you are pursuing a love interest or interviewing for a job, you need this move to let them know it is time to succumb. Everyone will know it's coming, but the recipient can never avoid its path of destruction.
A woman's only role is to support her man. Miss Elizabeth, Debra McMichael, Sensational Sherry. They never fight. Instead, they just stand ring side cheering their man on. Occasionally, they will interfere or distract the opponent to help their man, often by flashing the opponent for no apparent reason. It is this lesson here that has probably taken me to the greatest heights in my life. Make sure and commit it to memory.
Well, I hope this has been a helpful exercise. It is amazing what the world of professional wrestling has done to our great society.
Oh, here's a last set of pointers gathered from the Monday night lectures...
Take your vitamins, say your prayers and if someone is not down with you, just tell 'em to suck it.
UPON FURTHER REVIEW is a weekly column written by a Chronicle sports columnist. It appears every Wednesday.
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