This just in... after undergoing numerous tests in a Florida State medical facility, the improbable was announced: coach Bobby Bowden has no backbone. While it appears from a glance that this is not the case, he is what scientists call an "invertebrate."
After (possibly former) Heisman Trophy candidate Peter Warrick made a few illegal purchases at Dillard's Sept. 29, Bowden begged and pleaded until his wish was finally granted and Warrick suited up against Clemson Saturday night in Death Valley.
When the Seminoles played Duke Oct. 2, Warrick connected on a touchdown pass to fellow receiver Lavernius Coles. Little did anyone know, these two had gotten together on a few other trick plays earlier in the week.
The two walked into Dillard's Sept. 29 and proceeded to each pay the clerk $10.70 for a total of $412.38 worth of Tommy Hilfiger and Polo merchandise.
But don't think too much of Warrick's purchases, which were at first regarded as a third-degree felony. His lawyer, John Kenny, made a statement in which he referred to the transaction as a being similar to a "discount."
That's the greatest "after Labor Day sale" in history.
So, while Carl Franks was watching video preparing for Joe Hamilton's air attack and Phil Fulmer was watching video on the running style of Shaun Alexander, Tallahassee law enforcement officers were watching surveillance tapes starring the other Heisman candidate, Mr. Warrick.
Sports Illustrated's Ivan Maisel wrote that this incident proved Warrick could be stopped by a double team.
"It's just that no one figured," Maisel joked, "it would be Tommy Hilfiger and Ralph Lauren."
Warrick was quickly suspended indefinitely by Bowden and Coles was kicked off the team. Within days, though, Bowden was commenting as to how Warrick knew he had done wrong and had been punished enough.
But Warrick's crime was not a spur of the moment action. He did not get in a fist fight overcome with emotion or run a red light because he was late. He knew exactly what he planned on doing when he walked into that department store-he was going to steal.
He and Coles knew that particular clerk would be at that register and would give them whatever they wanted. He had plenty of time to realize he was about to do wrong. Would he have realized he had done wrong had he not been caught? Probably not.
As they say, it's not a crime unless you get caught. But he got caught. Therefore, it is a crime.
Bowden, who seemed to overlook this fact, made it clear that he would do everything in his power to get Warrick back in uniform and on the field. He had been punished enough, remember. It seemed strange, though, that he had not really been punished at all.
Due to the incredibly strict FSU athletic code, which states that an athlete cannot play while being charged with a felony, Warrick was forced to miss games against Miami and Wake Forest (FSU won both).
Before game against the Hurricanes, Warrick addressed his teammates and was seen waving a towel on the sidelines. This was mere days after his arrest. What was he doing on the sidelines? Or at the game at all?
As the court system progressed and Warrick continued to receive his phantom punishment, a bargain was reached. The deal: Warrick would plead guilty to a misdemeanor and serve 30 days in jail after the season.
Bowden loved it. Win No. 300 around the corner, Pete on the field. It was a bright, sunshiney day in Florida.
But someone finally spoke up, if only one feeble voice. School president Sandy D'Alemberte said that he thought it would be best if all jail time was taken care of before the player in question returned to the field.
So, Warrick's lawyer was on the line to rework his client's deal. After all, Clemson was mere days away.
In what Bowden called "a miracle from above," Warrick's attorney was able to work a deal to get Pete back in action. Warrick pleaded guilty to misdemeanor theft, and for some reason, no jail time was attached this time around. Hence, Warrick was able to catch 11 passes for 121 yards in his team's 17-14 win over the Tigers.
And all was good. Well, not really.
Maybe what Bowden called "a miracle from above" was actually a test from above. If that were the case, Bobby failed. Does it really mean that much to win?
Hopefully, son Tommy, on the Clemson sidelines, was not trying to learn from his dad's example. What was that example? Compromise anything, win at all costs.
While Warrick pleaded guilty to misdemeanor charges that constituted a one-year probation, among other things, he probably should have pleaded "temporary stupidity." It makes absolutely no sense why a player who will soon be chosen in the top of the draft would jeopardize his career for $400 worth of clothes.
If anything, Bowden should have kept him out to prove to other athletes that you cannot get away with things like that because of who you are. Warrick is no better off now than he was before, just maybe a bit more embarrassed.
So, all's well that ends well. Too bad this didn't end well. It would not be too surprising if there are a few more fans rooting for the Gators this year in the annual showdown. I know I'll be one of them.
UPON FURTHER REVIEW is a weekly column written by a Chronicle sports columnist. It appears every Wednesday.
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