What a beautiful morning. Nothing can wake a person up like the sound of 50 migrant laborers pounding poles into the ground at the competitive wage of 50 cents a day. Since the University can no longer exploit Third World people working in sweatshops, they must make up the money by hiring a different class of oppressed people. That huge tent in the middle of the quad may lead some people to believe that the Ringling Brothers are coming to town. Actually that wouldn't be that far from the truth, as many interesting parallels can be drawn comparing a circus to homecoming.
For example, both have freak shows. At the circus one can view freaks of nature such as The Elephant Man, The Bearded Woman and The Attractive Engineer. At homecoming, one can observe the freak show entitled "Hundreds of Drunk Alumni and Their Feeble Attempts to Hook up With Freshman" with acts such as "The Drunken Investment Banker," "The Blitzed Bureaucrat" and my personal favorite: "The Real World Sucks: I Need Fresh Meat."
For those of you have been blinded by my logic, let's take a moment to review what social commentary is all about. I know some of you are already busy writing your angst-filled fan mail, how about taking a quick pop quiz? Don't worry, we won't grade on a premed curve so everyone has an equal shot to do well.
Which of the following topics is the most likely to mobilize the University community into a frenzied rage and generate the most discussion across campus?
a.) The Holocaust,
b.) Nuclear proliferation,
c.) Black market organ trading on eBay,
d.) Duke students use 20,000 condoms a year (a fact),
e.) The idiot who writes Monday, Monday thinks North Carolinians watch NASCAR
If last week was any indication, "e" is the correct answer. No one within the Gothic Wonderland cares about any real issues plaguing society. The only thing more troubling in their three-day, 12-hour work week than not getting skim milk in their half-decaf strawberry mocha latte is the oral diarrhea that I pass off as a humor column.
I now understand how Santa Claus feels every December up at the North Pole as he reads through children's wish lists. My pointy-eared elves at The Chronicle bring me sacks of fan mail every day from overzealous, save-the-world patriots of freedom from which I must determine who is naughty and who is nice.
STONE COLD would like to express his gratitude to all the freaks that feel it is their sworn duty in life to remind me of my tasteless banter and lack of all journalistic skills. Journalistic skills? Please never mistake me for a journalist again. Reminder: This is a humor column, not your doctoral thesis.
Now that I'm done ranting, here's my article. After a month of hard work the Duke Student Government brain-trust has come up with only two major moves worthy of comment. The first is the demise of DUET. I'm not surprised in the slightest that such a project completely flamed. However, what is surprising is the way in which it flamed. Our illustrious professors are afraid that students will post slanderous and harmful reviews of their "teaching" ability. Gee, do you think so? That's the whole gosh darn point. If you are that sensitive about what your students think about you, why did you become a professor in the first place? Maybe instead of reading out of the textbook or regurgitating that set of notes you've used for the past 25 years, you could try stirring some intellectual discussion. Apparently "honesty" isn't included in our $30,000 tuition but crybaby professors are. Why should the student body be kept in the dark as to the quality of teaching? Everyone knows you guys are all brilliant, otherwise you wouldn't be teaching here. But the fact that some of you Bolsheviks question open debate makes me ponder why I came here in the first place.
Their second stupid idea is the recently released tent policy. Rather than spending the night in my warm, dry room watching Dawson's Creek waiting for a tent check, I'll be freezing my a-- off in a cheap Wal-Mart tent and peeing into empty Snapple bottles because seven of the 10 people are required to stay overnight. But at least K-Ville has better living conditions than Trent. Four hundred students live there with the quality of utilities common to such exotic places as Myanmar and Zaire! I know, they are all sophomores and deserve to be abused, but STONE COLD will never stand idly by while the University bends over my fellow students-no matter how unworthy that student is of my unholy support.
Did DSG ever consider the stress that will be placed on the OIT server as every pasty-faced, frost-bitten social reject pounds the reload button on their computer to find the registration time? I deem this the "Y2K-ville" problem. I picture mushroom clouds forming over the North Building as the server melts down into a pool of molten silicon. The Medical Center should be placed on high alert for trampling deaths as hordes of voracious students converge on ground zero.
Actually, this tenting policy might be a good thing for Trinity students; it will train them for their post-Duke homeless gypsy lives. This lifestyle will give them plenty of time to rue the day they made fun of me. Maybe if you get lucky, one of the migrant tent laborers will give you tips on how to keep warm at night.
STONE COLD must now log onto EBay to place a bid on the Duke engineers auctioning off their virginity. Hopefully they accept FLEX.
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