The cruelest intention of the director of Cruel Intentions is showing us a movie like this, and then sending us back to our rooms while our roommates are still there.
Ryan Phillipe plays Sebastian Valmont, the only person we've ever seen or heard who's as smooth with the ladies as we are. Then again, this is only a movie. Our charisma is well-documented, and believe us, very real.
He and his step-sister Kathryn (the very lovely Sarah Michelle Gellar) make a daring wager. If Sebastian can seduce the innocent and virginal Annette Hargrove (the very lovely Reese Witherspoon), he can double his pleasure by finally bagging the one woman who's never succumbed to him in the past-Kathryn. If he should fail, Kathryn wins Sebastian's classic 1956 Jaguar.
But the promiscuity doesn't end there. No sir, that's just the beginning. Kathryn wants to ruin the good name of the innocent and inexperienced Cecile Caldwell (the not quite as lovely Selma Blair). It seems Kathryn's old boyfriend dumped her for Cecile, hence the ill-will. Although the boyfriend has no speaking lines, we can only assume he's insane.
To ruin Cecile's name, Kathryn must first teach her how to kiss (like we said before, she's inexperienced). Kathryn prefers an active and personal teaching style in a scene sure to drive most men to the bathrooms. Kathryn then summons the help of Sebastian's tongue and other parts of his anatomy. Just for good measure, Kathryn also seduces Ronald Clifford (Sean Patrick Harris), Cecile's music teacher and possible love interest.
Got all that? Well, it doesn't matter. The point of this movie is watching Gellar seduce every man in sight. And let us tell you, she does a great job. I think it's safe to say that next year's Oscar race has already begun, and if we're voting, the race was over about four Kleenex ago.
But we fear Sarah won't win the race, simply because she'll split a lot of votes with Witherspoon, who stole her fair share of scenes. Sure, maybe Witherspoon doesn't actively seduce men like Gellar does, but she looks great in a bathing suit. We wish all virginal daughters of the head master dressed like her.
The film was everything two guys with nothing better to do on a late Saturday night wanted, and probably a little more. Okay, we admit it: It's sleazy, it's trashy, but hey, it's well worth the $6.75-even if the only nude scene starred Phillippe's ass.
At times, the constant teases even brought back fond teenage memories of watching USA's Up All Night. But let this be said, Cruel Intentions is very pleasant to the eyes, and sometimes, even the ears.
Our favorite exchange?
Kathryn: "Do you mind if I take a ride in my new car?"
Sebastian: "The only thing you're gonna be riding is me."
Simply brilliant. Five Kleenex out of five.
-By Neal Morgan
and Victor Zhao
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