Crazier sports fans, other cultural anomalies expected in England

Does Oxford have a Homecoming? Do alumni come back every year and complain-albeit incoherently-about the lack of alcohol as they stumble around trying to find a place to sleep? Do the words "I remember when" resonate incessantly throughout the days and nights as they bad mouth policies and presidents?

These few inquiries are just a smidgen of the questions I will attempt to answer during my one-year stay at Oxford. I anticipate that there will be quite a few cultural adjustments to make, and considering the fact that this is my first trip to Europe, I can only naively speculate as to what they will be. Perhaps if the University were more: a) diverse b) multi-cultural c) insert other administrative buzz word, then maybe my transition wouldn't be so difficult.

From what I understand, one of the most universal complaints about England is the incredibly inedible domestic food. Now how can this be? Here's a country that used to pioneer voyages around the world, encountering countless numbers of new cultures, and yet it appears that they failed to acquire any useful culinary knowledge except for fish and chips. Weren't those seafarers looking for valuable spices? Fortunately, their colonization of India provided a workable solution to this problem: eating ethnic. I sure hope they have good plumbing.

A more subtle, yet very perceptible difference, is the native language. In America we speak English. In England they apparently speak something called "The Queen's English." This poses a difficult problem considering Webster doesn't make "Queen's English" dictionaries, thereby making any efforts at translation pretty difficult. Then again, I went through a similar experience adjusting to North Carolina's "southern speak" not too long ago. Now I'm saying new things like "hey y'all," "warsh yer hands" and "more grits please." I suppose my only real comfort lies in the fact that the English are practically the only other people on this planet who still don't know how to use the metric system.

And speaking of the Queen, what's the story behind having both a parliament and a monarchy? What useful purpose does the royal family serve other than to prove that inbreeding is unhealthy and to ensure that the tabloids remain in business? Furthermore, what kind of citizenry would allow its tax dollars to go toward paying the credit card bills of an anachronistic class of aristocracy? I think an aspiring entrepreneur could make a killing with a start-up company offering royal taxidermy. Talk about a great addition to England's wonderful wax museums.

One of the most convenient things about England is that all of the policemen have the same name: Bobby. Better yet, all of the bobbies call their clubs "Billy." That's not a too distant stretch from all of the Billy Bobs I've met in rural North Carolina. What's even more interesting is that bobbies don't even carry around guns because they don't have to. Last time I heard, people who get robbed usually run after their attackers and pummel the living hell out of them. Looks like I'll be able to make a killing with an automatic weapon.

There is one thing, however, in which the British have a distinct advantage: They're crazier sports fanatics. Although people from Cleveland, New York and Cameron Indoor Stadium may argue against this point, I dare say they haven't squeezed people to death against wire fences while waiting for their favorite soccer-oops, I mean football-team run out onto the field. As an aside, I suppose this also means that their athletes have sex even more than ours do. And we thought Wilt Chamberlain was a stud.

Perhaps the greatest aspect of English culture, especially from a student's perspective, is the style of undergraduate education. Kiss those 8:00 a.m. and 9:10 a.m. lectures goodbye-its tutorial time. Instead of being put to sleep by Dr. So-and-so, most of the work is done on your own with only a one-hour meeting with your tutor every week to discuss and review the material that was assigned. Lectures are optional. I repeat: Lectures are optional.