Resident sports demigods Mike and Joel leave behind their world of women's tennis and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and head out to the movies to review Men In Black.
Mike: Well, Joel didn't even know it was about aliens before we went to see it, so of course I liked it more.
Joel: After watching Independence Day eight times in the last month on HBO, I was dying to see Will Smith play a guy who fights aliens. Oops, you can see how I was disappointed.
M: I don't think I can like any action movies anymore that don't have Will Smith as the lead. The days of putting up with Arnie's and Jean Claude's poor delivery on cheesy one-liners are over, Will's just too smooth.
J: I knew it was going to be good when Will-a.k.a Agent J-jumped on top of a double decker tour bus and said, "It's raining black people in New York today."
M: You know what really irks me?
J: When I talk about your mom?
M: No, when people like, Jess Moulton (see page 1, The Chronicle) say that Tommy Lee Jones wasn't funny in MIB. He was the perfect straight man.
J: Yea, my problem wasn't with Agent J or Agent K (Jones). This movie threatened to have a plot, and then when it didn't, I was a little disgruntled. I mean, the second Jurassic Park showed no signs of a plot and I loved it. This movie teased me emotionally and I couldn't recover until Mike read me a bedtime story.
M: You do love your "Penthouse Letters".... What do you think was wrong with the plot? I mean, a giant space bug who is threatening to get the world blown up and Agents J and K only have an hour to stop him. Come on, the movie was only an hour and a half long, what did you want? Oliver Stone?
J: OK, but tell me you're not wondering what happened to that woman (Beatrice) whose husband got his skin dragged off by the bug. I wanted to give Beatrice (Siobhan Fallon) a hug, but they never gave me another chance.
M: Bea-as she has me call her-was excellent playing the role of the formerly berated, white trash housewife who can't contain her excitement that her husband has been devoured by an insect.
J: But then her memory was erased by that damn red-light flashy thingy. How do we know that doesn't happen to us every time a space bug attacks us.... I'm scared Mike. Hold me.
M: Get away.... I felt bad for Linda Fiorentino (Dr. Laurel Weaver) every time they red flashy thinged her. Didn't they see The Last Seduction? Don't they know what this woman can do to a man?
J: And then, at the end, all of the sudden Agent K decides to give up the fight and go off to marry someone who apparently has had nothing better to do for the last 35 years. Now we have Agent J and Linda fighting these guys. Will they win? Will they opt for the flashy thingy too? Where are the answers?!
M: Jeez Israel, you're asking plot questions about movie that has aliens in it. Realism and answers aren't factors here. Why don't you ask the guy who was in charge-Agent Zed (Rip Torn). He's almost as cool as his character on the Larry Sanders Show.
J: Let's put it this way. You the readers (Hi, Mom!) would be better off spending your money on Air Force One but hey, don't trust me. I've written as many movie reviews as there have been Weekends With Ali.
M: Don't listen to this guy. He thinks the Three Stooges and Pee Wee Herman are the greatest entertainers of the 20th century.
J: Touch*.
M: Well, Chris said we have to keep it short, so we're outta here. Get your hand out of there Israel.... unless you mean it this time.
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