In the wake of a near-forfeit of the Milwaukee Brewers' home opener on Monday, acting baseball commissioner Bud Selig has ordered that all souvenir baseball promotions be stopped immediately.
Forty thousand fans received free souvenir balls before the game between the Brewers and the Texas Rangers, only to return them most abruptly in the second inning.
After Brewer Mike Methany connected for a grand slam, the brilliant citizens of Milwaukee celebrated by showering the field with their apparently unwanted gifts. Rangers manager Johnny Oates pulled his team off the field, and the game was delayed 30 minutes before order could be restored. The umpires decided to continue, avoiding Major League Baseball's first forfeit in nearly two years.
Incidentally, promotional baseballs thrown on the field caused the last forfeit, at Dodger Stadium on Aug. 10, 1995.
Not surprisingly, Selig has decreed an end to the madness. No more free cowhide at the gate. Rangers manager Johnny Oates suggests that all teams start giving out promotional items after the games, rather than before, a practice the Dodgers have begun since their little debacle.
"What's the difference?" Oates said. "There is no need for any fan to have anything, a ball, a pen, whatever, until they leave the park."
I say forget that idea. I'm with Selig; kill the baseball give-away entirely. I mean, it's obvious that these fans don't want the baseballs anyway if they keep throwing them back. Give them something they will appreciate-and be creative.
So to assist baseball in its ongoing attempts to reach out to the fan, I've come up with my own ideas for promotions in various Major League Cities. I'm sending them to Bud:
Yankees -"Crack Pipe Day." This way, when fans get angry at Darryl Strawberry or Doc Gooden, at least they could pelt the players with something practical.
White Sox - "Albert Belle Target T-Shirt Day." First 15,000 fans receive T-Shirts with customized "Hit Me, Albert" targets on chest. If you really want a souvenir baseball, this is one way that you can still get one.
Detroit - "You Can Pitch Day." Think you've got what it takes to pitch in the major leagues? NO? Then come on out to Tiger Stadium, where one lucky fan gets to start every fifth day.
Cincinnati - "Remembering Schottzie Day." On the anniversary of the faithful canine's death, all pets get in free. Owners may let their furry companions roam the field during BP.... Watch your step.
Pittsburgh - "Meet the Pirates Day." Don't know your local professional baseball team very well? Don't worry. Every fan gets to take a Pirate player home for dinner after the game. Joe Randa? Tony Womack? Mark Johnson? Who are these guys?!
Texas - "Make Will Clark Smile Contest Day." Self-explanatory. Free season tickets to any fan who can accomplish the impossible.
Baltimore - "Sneeze-guard Giveaway Day." Not just for salad bars anymore. This nifty device will protect all fans within spit range of Roberto Alomar. Because when it comes to expectorate, you have to expect the unexpected.
Come to think of it, I should be Major League Baseball's next promotional director. I'll give the fans what they really want. And besides, it's not like a Duke degree will get me a real job.
Adam Ganz is a Trinity freshman and a native of Atlanta, Ga. He hopes the Braves next promotion night is Mark Lemke look-alike night. Hide the women and children.
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