Student protests are the new fad on campus. It is obvious that many radical undergraduates are angry with the tenure selection process, prompting the recent demonstration that culminated in a discussion with President Nan Keohane.
I am not familiar with any of the rejected tenure candidates, and I never will be-unless one of them reads this column, knocks on my door and punches me in the face. For the record, I am not attempting to besmirch the reputations of any former or present faculty members at this University.
Nevertheless, I recently began questioning the motives of students who publicly support a professor who has been denied tenure. Being curious, I watched as many pencil-headed protesters walked out of Hudson Hall on March 28 in objection to the tenure process. This prompted me to ask a simple question: Do tenure protesters harbor top-secret agendas?
I decided to look for answers in each letter to the editor that has appeared throughout the entire history of The Chronicle. I discovered that hundreds of students have recorded their opinions of the tenure process. My project included translating these letters into simple English. After weeding through intense verbiage, I concluded that several opinionated undergraduates are full of crap.
A typical letter to the editor reads: "I am writing in regards to the controversy surrounding Professor X. I cannot believe he has been denied tenure. I know that the University places a premium on research, but this is ridiculous. I am currently enrolled in Professor X's course and he is unquestionably the finest instructor at this University."
Here is the same letter after my translation: "Unfortunately, I am doing very poorly in Professor X's course. I went to CAPS and pretended to be depressed, but they wouldn't let me drop the course. So I decided to write a glowing recommendation on behalf of my instructor and his failed tenure bid. After Professor X reads my letter in The Chronicle, he will hopefully feel obligated to give me an A+ for the course."
I uncovered many similar letters during my meticulous research, suggesting that many students are brown-nosers obsessed with their pretty transcripts. But this was only one of many factors that caused 150 people to appear outside the Allen Building for the March 28 protest.
The leaders of the student group were crafty. They decided to hold the tenure demonstration at 2:20 p.m. on a Thursday, creating a legitimate excuse for anyone to miss class. Their back-up plan probably involved free T-shirts, although this was unnecessary. I think it is wonderful that many undergraduates were willing to skip class for a demonstration concerning their commitment to education.
These same radical students have capitalized on the momentum of their successful tenure protest by planning for the future. I recently overheard a rumor concerning the group's next top-secret target: co-president of Spectrum, Anji Malhotra. Apparently, the student group is preparing to protest Malhotra's constant protests.
The elaborate plan involves hiring two militiamen from a random ranch in Montana. The two men will travel to Durham and will be required to circle Malhotra 24 hours a day while holding picket signs that read: "We are against Malhotra and everything she stands for."
The militiamen will grant Malhotra a respite on the weekends. During this time, the two men will feverishly write letters to The Chronicle, taking anything Malhotra has said during the week completely out of context. And after dealing with Malhotra, the student group will supposedly focus on another target: President Keohane.
Surprisingly, I learned that many undergraduates are jealous of President Keohane's large calf muscles. In protest of the President's legs, the student group is preparing to hide hundreds of banana peals around her office. Before long, President Keohane will trip and break both legs.
President Keohane will then be confined to a wheelchair, in which she will spin angrily around campus while demanding the names of the evil conspirators. During this time, President Keohane's legs will atrophy, leaving her with no remaining leg muscles. Benches will burn during the celebration that follows.
There are many other campus issues that need reform, including the high cost of Rice Krispy Treats at The Trent Cafe. At last check, this yummy snack was selling for $1.25.
Prepare for a revolution. The worst is yet to come.
Christopher Kyle is a Trinity senior.
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