Spring Break can be a primal experience. I discovered this while vacationing in Key West; the only town in America that can successfully combine drunk college students with a retired sailors' convention and countless homosexuals. My visit to the southernmost town in the United States left me with the following impressions:
Public Intoxication. Thousands of drunk, smelly undergraduates annually invade Key West, leaving a trail of both beer and sludge on Duval Street. This should not surprise anyone, although I found the intensity of intoxication and odor noteworthy. It is safe to assume that binge drinking is alive and well in the college community. I also noticed that drinking can potentially lead to...
Jail. Individuals found guilty of drunk and disorderly conduct are given the option of wearing an orange suit while picking up trash alongside the beach instead of serving time. But if someone commits a felony, it's an entirely different story. (And I happen to know of one student who is involved in an entirely different story.) Apparently, the local inmates are diehard fans of...
Baseball. The Key West Conchs are the #1 ranked high school baseball team in the latest USA Today poll, but the Conchs do not sell beer at their home games, causing many Spring Breakers to boycott the stadium. And besides, many college students were too busy enjoying the exciting...
Hawaiian Tropic Bikini Contest. Nine female contestants appeared on stage in front of hundreds of boisterous men. The winner was picked in the first ten seconds after a monstrous chant began for Jill from the University of Mississippi. Her bubbling personality was the deciding factor. I enjoyed the Hawaiian Tropic Bikini Contest 35 percent more than the...
Male Swimsuit Competition. Two things managed to surprise me about this event. First, the crowd was surprisingly rambunctious, and second, a Duke student captured first prize. I would mention his name, but I'm afraid his ego has already expanded beyond the curvature of the earth. I am fairly certain that no one in the swimsuit crowd visited the house of...
Ernest Hemingway. The tour of the esteemed writer's abode is generally considered a waste of time; a real artsy-fartsy thing. Instead, many of us sought the fast-paced excitement of a...
Booze Cruise. This involved paying $35 for unlimited beer on a ship with sixty rowdy college students. Shortly after climbing aboard, one of my friends lost his lunch in the toilet and he definitely wasn't sea sick. And only minutes later, I realized I was incapable of forming a friendship with any of the numerous individuals wearing...
Jean Shorts. I do not own any jean shorts, nor will I ever fall prey to this disastrous trend. My four years at the University have isolated me from the real world, creating a fantasy land in which denim is the exception and not the rule. But alas, my trip to Key West has taught me that many people wear jean shorts religiously. A crappy personality and a Nike baseball cap are mandatory accessories. The Key West Jean Shorts Brigade has a distinctly different fashion sense than the...
Big Hairy Bikers Who Wear Lots Of Leather. One of my friends was ambling down Duval Street when a Big Hairy Biker blew him a kiss. My friend was terrified. The Biker proceeded to call him, "Honey Bunny." This troubling incident occurred in front of...
Margaritaville. I didn't enter Jimmy Buffet's bar because I think his music sucks. Furthermore, his establishment was teeming with annoying...
Muscle Heads. I encountered many beefy college students in Key West who were capable of beating me up. They were obviously familiar with the weight room, as well as the Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's. I was just another skinny guy, which put me at a disadvantage when trying to partake in a Spring Break ritual known as...
Grinding. Nobody dances in Key West; instead everybody grinds. This involves approaching a member of the opposite sex at a nightclub and thrusting your pelvis into their body. Small talk is optional. I noticed that many Grinders possessed...
Fake IDs. The bouncers in Key West are nationally renown for confiscating fake driver licenses. Many grumpy college freshman became stir crazy in their hotel rooms because of this unfortunate fact. These unlucky youngsters most likely became frequent inhabitants of...
The Best Western Hotel Pool. The chlorinated water slowly transformed into Busch Light by the end of the week, bringing new meaning to the term, "adult swim." Everyone frolicked to and fro around the pool during each sunbaked afternoon, creating an accurate rendition of a MTV Dance Party in...
Key West. Now ain't that America.
Christopher Kyle is a Trinity senior.
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