Welcome to Krzyzewskiville, (official motto "Chug! Chug! Chug!") sponsored by Natural Light beer. Here in K-ville, we drink more beer by 9 a.m. than most people drink all day. Camping out-be all you can be. The atmosphere here is like Auschwitz meets Mardi Gras. Basketball? There's none of that here, but we've got music, fire, and drunk people-and a lot of all of them. You couldn't ask for anything more. We're the largest yuppie ghetto this side of Greenwich village, complete with cell phones and microbrewed beer.
So I'm sitting in tent #472,344, wondering if the DSG guy is enjoying his little gestapo power trip, when I hear this horrible screeching. At first I thought someone had lit a sorority girl on fire, but after a while I realized it was just the a capella group in the archway. Some people never learn. Other than that, life in K-ville is great.
The food is standard Duke fare ( "Hot dogs come from a van, they were put there by a man. . . millions of hot dogs, hot dogs for me."), although the "RamBurgers" were a little suspicious. (I've got one word for UNC fans: "Baaaaaa!") But it's the drinks that define a tent. Those with kegs make friends very quickly. Those without a keg befriend those with. Speaking of drinking, was it me, or was it like pre-prohibition era Duke out there? Freshmen: This is what you missed out on in years past!
And my, my, did the alcohol flow. They built an aircraft carrier with all the recycled aluminum cans we left Saturday morning. When the supply started to run low, an emergency relief shipment was airlifted in straight from the mountains of Busch.
To hell with Bosnia, we're thirsty! By midnight Friday, most people's blood would fuel a car. Duke Rescue would have saved those who'd had too much, but they were busy pumping the keg. I had a vision in my state of inebriation. I saw Coach K as the Little Caesar's Pizza dude, saying "Capel, Capel!" As I crawled across the ground toward my tent, I realized "Hey, this must be what the world looks like from Wojo's point of view!" Then I passed out. Amazing what revelations we have when imbibing.
Saturday night, Coach K gave a stand- up comedy routine/motivational speech that showed why he's the man. After his speech, some guy went crazy after winning tug-of-war, and another guy got a hernia doing an impression of Chris Collins. It was on some Cable 13 show that no one watches unless there's an interview with Coach K. Not that Cable 13 actually plays anything but the message board. . .
Before game time, Dante Calabria, frustrated by the fact that none of his pick-up lines were working on the Duke cheerleaders, tied himself to a bed with Zwikker's headbands. Just prior to the game, his teammates found him strapped prone to a mattress, telling himself how beautiful he was. Zwikker responded to the situation with, "Bjork, bjork. I've been looking for those headbands! Put dee chickee in dee pot. Bjork, bjork."
The game itself was a miscarriage of justice on the scale of the O.J. trial. But with a bench with the depth of a UNC cheerleader, Duke played admirably. A breakdown of the game:
Jeff McInnis's playing wasn't up to his usual par, but he claims that his view of the basket was blocked by Dante's underarm hair. (Anyway, he had his mind on O.P.P.) Dicky V wishes he had that much hair on his head. Hell, Don King wishes he had that much hair!
Walk-on Robert Keohane was the fan favorite of the game. Sporting a dress suit and Nikes, Bob impressed us all with his bench warming abilities. His wife, Nan, will be sitting bench for the women's basketball team as they shoot for the national title. And speaking of walk-ons, Heaps, baby!. . . Can you say "Get outta my way?" Somebody give that boy a Scooby Snack for making a fool out of players 10 feet taller than him. Cheers to all of Duke's walk-ons for making the last five minutes worthwhile.
Cameron was packed to the gills, with the National Park Service estimating attendance at just over 20. There was more noise than a Terry Wiley concert and more technical fouls than a boxing match. In the end, it was the best loss I've ever seen.
GATSBY was the only walk-on that didn't score, either on or off the court.
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