Author's note: I guess this is it. Four years at Duke, four years at The Chronicle, and two years of being variously profound and profane on the editorial pages are all coming to an end. I'm not sure whether to be happy or sad, but I guess I'll find out on May 16 how I really feel about leaving.
But I couldn't leave without saying thank you. To the person at the library circulation desk who said "It's nice to know you really exist," to eminent short dude Jon Blum for first giving me the chance to blather biweekly, to all the people who have, whether they know it or not, provided material, advice and criticism, and to those who have been there, hedgehogs included. It's been fun.
Politics in America has changed since the election of Bill Elliott . . . sorry, I meant Bill Clinton, but there really is a resemblance. It's not just that he eats at McDonald's like a normal human being, or the fact that he has a cat that, as yet, hasn't written a children's book, or that he had the good taste to marry Hillary, who knows how to do something other than drop out of college to have children and gaze adoringly.
I know there was talk about how Hillary's image was managed after the cookie remark and how she did start gazing at Bill, but I always found something akin more to amusement than adoration in the expression on her face. Maybe it was just the way British photographers take pictures, since I was there for most of the campaign, but I don't think so.
Anyway, the change in politics isn't just a reflection of the Clintons' relative normality. It's much more fun watching the Republicans scramble around and figure out how to deal with being the honorable opposition. (It's a phrase.)
Not having been politically aware during the last Democratic presidency (although I do remember the attack rabbit), I missed out on the antics of the Republicans in the House and Senate. I wouldn't imagine there would be much difference in the Senate, since most of the people are the same. Some of them are just more self-important.
Take Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole, for instance. He reminds me of nothing so much as a cross between Richard Nixon and the Grinch. He positively delights in making life as difficult as possible for the Democrats, and I wouldn't be surprised if he had termites in his smile. I can easily see him stealing all the toys from the children of Whoville and never giving them back. Children of Whoville or people who stand to benefit from any of the various bills Dole and the other Republican senators are filibustering against--they're basically the same.
All Dole needs to be the Grinch is the two tufts of hair on top of his head that curl up when he's planning something. I suppose that wouldn't be the best thing for a politician, though. He must keep them moussed down.
Congress also seems to be determined to keep H. Ross Perot (he's reclaimed the initial) employed. He's testified on various different subjects for various different committees. I work in the Public Documents Department in the library, and I catalogued the record of his testimony to the Senate on ethics earlier this week. Excuse me, but why is he testifying to the Senate on ethics when he's never been elected to anything? I have opinions on government ethics and a Southern accent too, but ain't nobody asking me to testify about them. Of course, I didn't run for president, but I'm at least as qualified opinion-wise. Maybe more, since I am taking a course in ethics. Visibility is everything, I suppose.
Another question: Where, oh where, is our not-particularly lamented ex-Veep J. Danforth "The Human Faux Pas" Quayle? I consider myself fairly well-informed (working for a newspaper helps with that), but I haven't heard a peep from the vicinity of Indiana in some time. What is he really qualified to do? I suppose he could write his memoirs or something, but they'd be shorter than the ones Calvin tried to write, which were six pages. The mind boggles.
Possible chapter titles for Dan's magnum opus:
"Funerals Around the World."
"Speaking Spanish (or was that Latin?)"
"Potatoe Cooking Hints."
"What Not to Buy in Central American Gift Shops"; subtitled "The Strange but True Story of Pedro the Anatomically Correct Doll."
"Happy Campers: the People of American Samoa."
or, finally, "Family Values on TV: Why I Liked Ozzie and Harriet Better."
I'll miss him. I imagine every other liberal columnist will too. Maybe he'll run for the Senate again so we can make fun of him some more.
Politics, national, foreign, here in the Gothic Wonderland, or wherever, has always been one of my favorite spectator sports. It has all the trash talk of basketball, all the financial finagling of horse racing, the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat. The struggle and passion of true human drama . . . sorry, I got carried away there. It's just a bunch of people arguing with each other. It's not what they mean, it's what they say that's important. And what they say is what gives us columnists something to laugh at. To paraphrase the immortal words of Calvin, politics makes everyone's day a little more surreal.
Hannah Kerby is a Trinity senior and senior editor who has just written her last word, surreal, for The Chronicle.
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