The use of language in our society is something we don't think about on a regular basis. We use language, but we don't consciously think about that use unless we're writing something, be it a paper or a column like this one. This lack of second-guessing ourselves comes out in our speech. We don't use filler words in our writing. Unless, um, well, we just can't, you know, think of anything else to, like, say.
There are a few different ways this appears in our speech, besides the filler words. We don't think about the words we use, or in many cases the way we use them. A few examples for your consideration:
1) Some people have trouble reconciling what they mean with what they say. Someone I know from home, a junior high kid, has this incredible talent for malapropism. He knows what he means to say, and he's a bright kid, but he doesn't use the right words. When faced with the word "Ayatollah" on a quiz that asked where such a person would be found, he replied, "The answer's not there! It should be Detroit, because the president of Chrysler, Lee Ayatollah, is there." That's probably one of the least offensive things that anyone has said about Lee Iacocca, but doesn't it make you feel old that a 13-year-old has absolutely no idea what an ayatollah is? I'm expecting my first gray hair any day now.
The same person, when younger, was asked to describe a picture of a cat in four words without saying what was in the picture. He replied, with a straight face, "Fur, purr, bones and orgasms." He meant internal organs. (Really.)
2) Some people have trouble reconciling what they say with what's realistic. One of the basketball players was overheard talking to his girlfriend on the phone after the game against Southern Illinois. What he said was, "Honey, that first three-pointer was for you." Reality: If he had been thinking about his girlfriend on the court instead of concentrating on the game, Coach K would either have countersunk him at center court or fed him to one of the truly frightening Saluki mascots. Not only is it the cheesy line of the century, but it's completely untrue.
(I am deliberately not saying which player it was, and three of them hit multiple three-pointers in that game, so you can't figure it out that way either. So there.)
3) Deliberately obfuscatory prose or vocalizations. Witness most bills passed through Congress or every contract ever signed. There are so many "party of the first part, hereinafter referred to as FOOL WHO'S BUYING THIS THING"s, and whereases and therefores and dependent clauses that it's not humanly possible to understand what the things are actually saying. Maybe as part of tort reform, the American Bar Association will discuss linguistic reform . . . but that would put all the lawyers out of a job, wouldn't it? Oh, well, it was a nice thought.
4) Speeches and writings with more cliches than you can shake a stick at. (See bad sportswriting.) SportsCenter did the Cliche Edition on April Fool's Day, which I wish I could have watched, but I was busy coming up with my own cliches for The Chomicle. There is no limit to the number of cliches a truly bad speaker or sportswriter can come up with.
Everyone remembers the baseball cliches from "Bull Durham." "Just happy to be here, hope I can help the ballclub, and the good Lord willing, I'll be able to make a contribution," et cetera.
Mixing cliches is the only thing that could possibly be worse. There are things that "cover the gamut" as opposed to "running the gamut" or "covering the territory." I know there are better ones, but that's the only one I could come up with. Normally I'm good at it, but you know how it is. I understand that there are only so many ways to write that a team lost or won and make it interesting, believe me, but if I see the phrase "historic Jack Coombs field" one more time, I will run screaming into the night (or the morning, since that's when the paper normally comes out.)
As you can see, these misuses of language are rampant at Duke and in the real world. From the singles bar to the sports page to academic writing, we hear our language mangled every day. I've probably done more than my share of mangling as a columnist, a sportswriter and a Duke student. The only thing I can do is try to recognize when I'm doing it and stop. Since my column is only going to be around for another 28 days, I'll only be tormenting the Duke community once, maybe twice more.
So watch this space for another stunning example of editorial comment at its finest. You heard it here first.
Hannah Kerby is a Trinity senior and senior editor of The Chronicle.
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