Duke administration is gone for the foreseeable future. Taking a page out of the A-ville student-protesters’ guidebook, they’ve given themselves amnesty (and their paychecks), no questions asked.

Duke Student Government still remains, seemingly unfazed by the current state of student affairs. Business as usual. President Ban-all is the last vestige of an old regime, with DSG existing merely as a titular organization, with over-dressed undergraduates pining after its exclusivity and its sex-appeal. Again, business as usual.

President Ban-all, seeing an opportunity to seize power, decides to assert her dominance over the Three Campuses, East to Central to West, with an iron first. She establishes the Chapel as her capital, and reigns from it on the coveted, though difficult to actually reach by bus or by foot, Blue Throne, constructed from melted-down basketball trophies and DSG-sponsored pleasure toys. After purging DSG of any remaining political rivals, she is left with minions, who carry out the expulsion of the president of the Duh Tuh Duh fraternity. The group secedes from the Three Campuses and establishes his own domain in the distant realm of Edens.

Still finding herself unable to exercise complete control over the Three Campuses, the aptly-titled Queen Ban-all looks to the rising fraternities, sororities and SLGs, who in the absence of central authority have asserted themselves as competing houses for her Blue Throne. The DSG queen declares the sudden and complete abolition of prisons and Greek life to disrupt organization. In a Chapel speech before her minions, the Queen announces she will do everything not specifically prohibited in the DSG constitution to hunt these organizations down and break them apart.

Sensing the coming bloodletting, the RAs and RCs flee to the temporary sanctuary of East Campus, in order to keep watch over the uncivilized First-Yearlings, who threaten to stumble back to East from Shooters anytime now. Sir Guarcamole of Duh Tuh Duh, still greatly upset with his defeat in last year’s DSG election, flees to East to escape Ban-all’s purge and serve the worthy cause of defending the East Campus Halls. Anniekan Liewatcher takes refuge in the Gardens to raise an army of unsullied independents, hoping to dethrone Queen Ban-all and cash in on her rightful claim to the throne.

On Central, mayhem occurs after Ban-all’s ban of all Greek organizations is enforced. Despite the chaos and destruction that ensues on the forgotten campus, Central has never been in better condition, the asbestos and fungi of the old regime exterminated by beer luges and nightly hot-boxes.

The leading Greek houses of Central jockey one another to carve out territory and to add to their numbers and resources by absorbing GDIs and smaller, wilder SLGs. Those slow to prepare for conflict once the upheaval began pay dearly for it. The Brotherhood of Snew launches an overwhelming attack against the unsuspecting tribe of OooBooToo, their wilderness preparation giving them just a week of survival without electricity. Pike (not to be confused with the PiKapp which is clearly located on West Campus) tries its best to weather the upcoming storm. Meanwhile, the ancient Order of Klappa Baeta seizes control of the sisters of Dealta Planta, as they begin a successful Weed Plantation as one very-peaceful collective. The Pie Flies host a pre-game with Dees Cigs, only to ambush the boys with their greatest weapon: a pie-themed philanthropy event.

It isn’t long before most groups on Central have formed mini-alliances to deter larger raids on their territory. These bonds between various Central-ites are sealed at ritualistic events involving massive consumption of the sacred vine and of sweat, known as “Mixers.”

On West Campus, much more complicated conflicts over the conquests of the quads unfold. In Crowell, the age-old feud between Wean Manor and the Coop of Ers finally erupts into violence, mostly exhibited in the tourney of Spikeball. While the Coop of Ers have the superior numbers and the ever-desirable gender-diversity, Wean Manor has what matters most: superior Spikers. Religious pilgrimages to the nearby gym and scenic WaDuke trail make these Spikers unstoppable, and the constant Spikes on the Coop gradually wear down the rival living group.

As a large part of the power dynamic on the Three Campuses bases itself on alcohol and drugs, members of Wannamaker's Wellness Dorm use their sobriety and focus to coerce the First-lings of the Jarvis Halls to join them in reading up on history of Duke conflicts in the Citadel of Perkins Library. The Women’s Housing Option in Few, led by the fearless Dame of Raisethehell, reshapes its organization into a highly-disciplined and militaristic faction championing the reunification of the Campuses under its enlightened, feminist thinking.

Temporarily isolated from campus affairs, the Pratt Stars construct a group of independent and highly-productive states on the Engineering Quad. Few people can comprehend their studies. Even fewer care. Thus, they exist in a temporary Golden Age, in which they can take as long as they want to complete their problem sets. They even take the time to venture outside to practice what is commonly called “having fun.”

Duh Tuh Duh rules over Edens. Joined by the Sisters of Ramma My Data, they consolidate power by annexing all the neighboring dorms with little resistance. Queen Ban-all’s Visions of Freedom Focus Living Learning Community, too busy debating over how best to structure their own government and introduce their group in a more concise fashion rather than planning a defense tactic, is quickly subjugated.

On Clocktower Quad, the House of the PiKapps (not to be confused with the House of Pike definitely found on Central Campus, right?), being the most astronomically-inclined groups on West Campus, reads into the stars, and sees a vision that they will exterminate the Court of Mires. The Court of Mires has chosen not to fight, instead revelling in the lack of authority at Duke. It takes great pleasure in using its abundance of leopard-print costumes to frighten unsuspecting Duke tourists with tequila-filled water guns. Their camouflage keeps the West-Campus PiKapps at bay. And the AElliance, seeking to retain its convenient house on West Campus in the chaos of it all, utilizes Venmo to create a lucrative inter-campus trading market for the purchase and transport of alcohol. It funds an impenetrable fortress of almost-popped champagne bottles, set on defending their prime location.

The Frayed Tee Bros, the buffest faction in Craven, sends forces to pillage Few Quad, but are stopped by the highly-trained and highly-fed-up forces of the Women’s Housing Option. The relatively stable faction of Say Eek, while doing nothing at all on its Craven bench, start to plot ways to return to glory, when they are interrupted by a group of weary travelers. These are the Lost Sisters of the 2016 Rush. Comprised of ladies of various sororities, each of whom was screwed over in the botched computer trials of Spring Rush 2016, the Lost Sisters align themselves with Say Eek, who celebrate with a semi-well-attended feast.

Fearful for their existence, smaller Greek groups and SLGs in precarious locations on West Campus begin to solidify, attempting to seek out allies to counter the greater Western powers. The Knights of the Round Table broker a coalition with Seema Thigh, Phi Damma Jamma, the Foresters of the Sherwood, Power House, Nexus and the various other non-IFC and non-Panhellenic Greek organizations, forming “The Council.” A Bald Prince, elected to serve as the Chairman of the Council, plans to lead a dangerous expedition into the Gardens, throwing the Council’s support behind the famed Anniekan Liewatcher and her army of unsullied independents.

Despite the various rising challenges to her power, Queen Ban-all is confident as ever. With all SOFC funds at her disposal, she sets about raising the largest army Duke has ever seen, comprised mainly of P-Frosh who will do anything to get off the waitlist.

She calls for elections to be held by DSG to choose the rightful ruler of all Three Campuses. Her disciple, the Weis-man, asks her in private if this is the best move.

“Don’t worry,” the Queen says. “No one votes anyways. And the people who count the votes decide everything. Duke will be mine regardless. And then, once I have revalidated my free pass to the Blue Throne as well as my personal parking pass, we will get rid of the exclusivity that rips Duke apart.”

Away from it all, in the land of Miami, an off-duty reporter from ESPN recognized a man at a seaside bar, clad in a tight-fitting Hawaiian shirt and sucking a Long Island Ice Tea through a twisty straw. Assuming she knew the man’s identity, she asked the question that the rest of the AP Top 25 teams had in mind. “Will the chaos at Duke threaten Duke’s basketball season?”

The man watches his seven-foot giants stretch their massive limbs in the water. Taking off his aviators, Coach K turns to the reporter and calmly reassures her, “The time is soon for madness to return. March is coming.”

The Pledgemaesters would like to note the difference between Greek gods (fictional, idyllic figures who mythically dictate life and shape the destinies of others) and Duke’s Greek population (which actually believes that they themselves are idyllic figures who dictate life and shape the destinies of others).