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(05/01/17 5:21am)
After years of sneaking into the establishment with the help of misguided Duke students they knew from high school, the hordes of UNC students finally lay claim to Shooters. Without a basketball team capable of penetration to defeat them, the state school’s capture of Durham’s #1 cultural site could not be prevented. Roy Williams initially ordered the establishment to be remodeled but, upon setting foot inside, immediately decided to have it razed to the ground. The alcohol which had soaked into every crack and crevice of the building over the years creates an inferno which can be seen from as far away as Raleigh. The UNC students rampage further down main street, burning down Devine’s, James Joyce, the Federal, and even the hallowed East Campus Domino’s Pizza. Since its existence inflicted more suffering upon Duke students than its potential destruction, Skewers was spared.
(04/13/17 2:04pm)
With Easter rapidly approaching, the newly formed Holy Alliance has been busy. In between daily masses, the Crusaders train in secret to reclaim control of the Three Campuses. However, Bill Brooney realizes that he cannot do it alone; he simply does not have the numbers. As a result, Brooney seeks temporary allies. He first tries to parlay with Greek organizations he thinks may be sympathetic. A Holy Alliance emissary is sent to every organization not deemed too reprehensible, but only the Frayed-Tee Bros of Craven Quad respond. However, when Brooney arrives to negotiate the formation of a coalition, he finds only the ruins of what had once been the Frayed-Tee Bros section. It appears that the Women’s Housing Option had finally driven these propagators of male privilege into the ground.
(03/31/17 5:00am)
To the outside world, DSG appears to be on its last legs. Vastly outnumbered and cut off from its Enzo's and Domino's deliveries, the various senators, VPs and patronage recipients cannot defend their Chapel stronghold for much longer. Despite the obvious situation, DSG still exhibits the same disconnect with reality that has plagued it since its inception. Although the engineers hastily finish their siege operations in anticipation of the upcoming assault, DSG doesn’t seem to notice. It merely continues its usual proceedings, complete with needlessly long and wordy speeches, frivolous attempts to spend the surplus fund, and arguing for hours over statutes and resolutions that nobody outside of DSG will ever know of or be affected by. Only the upper echelons of DSG’s noble class—namely Queen Ban-all and the Weis-man—fully realize the circumstance they are in.
(03/02/17 6:02am)
The situation appears desperate. The engineers have been living under siege in CIEMAS for weeks, and have run out of vending machine snacks and turkey-bacon-avocado sandwiches from Twinnie’s. Additionally, DSG's P-Frosh army has effectively cut off all delivery options, somehow making the Merchants-On-Points service even worse than before. The Pratt Stars face the approaching deadline of starvation like any other deadline: with great courage, resolve and creativity; they make dank memes to feed upon.
(02/15/17 6:34am)
The second semester officially begins, and with it, a process known as Rush. Students have fretted about Rush being a life or death process for years, but this is the first year in which their cries and complaints are actually justified. The need for every existing Greek and non-Greek organization to replenish its forces, combined with the lack of a central monitoring authority such as the IFC (which used to do an excellent job of ensuring that no dangerous or illegal activities occurred at anyRrush events), makes this year’s Rush particularly dangerous and competitive.
(11/16/16 2:57pm)
“HONK HONK!” The Robertson Express has arrived. Contact between Duke and UNC, tenuous at best under President Brodhead, has now been completely cut for months. Only the bus between the two remains, more useless now than ever, seeing as the Robertson Scholars defected long ago in an unsurprisingly public manner. While some students venture onto the Robbie from time to time, none have returned. Most believed that the Carolina-Blue Walkers were forever changed after their embarrassing loss to Villanova in 2016. However, rumors from Yik Yak’s two remaining users report that the Carolina-Blue Walkers of UNC have risen once again.
(10/18/16 3:37pm)
Duke administration is gone for the foreseeable future. Taking a page out of the A-ville student-protesters’ guidebook, they’ve given themselves amnesty (and their paychecks), no questions asked.
(10/04/16 4:43am)
The Chapel bells toll. A new order is being ushered in at Duke University. The days of President Dick Brodhead are over. Brodhead, having failed to determine an heir, passes the baton to his disciple and trusted advisor, Tallman Trask III. The newly-formed Trask Administration has assumed control, and the days of relative peace have subsided. President Trask promises a new era, one of law, order, stability and monumental construction projects. But his schemes are destined to fail.
