“HONK HONK!” The Robertson Express has arrived. Contact between Duke and UNC, tenuous at best under President Brodhead, has now been completely cut for months. Only the bus between the two remains, more useless now than ever, seeing as the Robertson Scholars defected long ago in an unsurprisingly public manner. While some students venture onto the Robbie from time to time, none have returned. Most believed that the Carolina-Blue Walkers were forever changed after their embarrassing loss to Villanova in 2016. However, rumors from Yik Yak’s two remaining users report that the Carolina-Blue Walkers of UNC have risen once again.

Wake Forest has inexplicably gone dark. The Chronicle reports that a massive contingent of UNC students had been seen marching into Winston-Salem last Tuesday from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., their free time. Nobody knows where the Carolina-Blue walkers are going now, though some have suggested that their original target was Duke and that they simply went the wrong way.

Meanwhile, on East Campus, the RAs and RCs assert their dominance; the First-Yearlings relent to the wisdom and seniority of their superiors. Sir Guarcamole finally wins an election. His impassioned speech to the RAs and RCs make them all realize he was the only one who actually cared at all to hold the title of Keeper of the East. However, his optimistic vision of integrating and civilizing the First-Years begins to prove unsettling to a small but growing faction of RAs who wish to merely extort marketplace swipes and shut down parties (for East is a dry realm after all).

On Central Campus, SigUp and the Pikes act menacingly towards one another. Although SigUp has a superior strategic location (near Dame’s, the Central pool, and the bus stop), the Pikes grow stronger every day. SigUp decides at to consult The Chronicle, Duke’s most accurate, best and humblest source of information. The president of SigUp submits a question to The Chronicle’s independent editorial board via Google Forms: “What will happen if we attack the Pikes?”

Within the hour, The Chronicle reports, “If SigUp attacks the Pikes of Central Campus, a middle-tier fraternity will fall.” Spurred by this news, SigUp launches its impromptu invasion. Unfortunately, the attack was doomed to fail. Had they checked with their middle-tier and meteorology-expert allies, Pikapp of West Campus (because that’s where Pikapp lives, definitely), SigUp would have known that a torrential downpour was on the way. Central’s landscape turns to mud, and the SigUp assault quickly becomes deadlier than the Charge of the Light Brigade. The Chronicle reports that a middle-tier fraternity is destroyed that day, but it is not the Pikes of Central Campus.

On West, the DSG election ends in a resounding victory for Queen Ban-all and her cohorts. The Queen is reelected with 105 percent of all votes cast in her favor. More surprising was the record high turnout of 8 percent, which easily eclipsed Duke’s 2016 U.S. presidential election turnout. Ban-all proudly adds the accomplishment to her LinkedIn profile and to her consulting firm applications, then delivers a PASH-ionate victory speech to the 15 students who have gathered in front of the Chapel to hear her.

“For too long, Pratt students have felt excluded from student life here at Duke! That is why, today, I have signed a resolution which will outlaw the Trinity-Pratt gap forever. Everyone will be friends! We begin our offensive in five minutes.” With the proclamation, war arrives on West Campus.

The engineers rally around the Chief Engineer of Engineering Student Government, who began ordering the construction of defensive fortifications around E-quad. DSG, as is tradition, completely underestimated the task which lay before it. Problem sets, endless labs, incomprehensible professors, massive and unfeeling lectures and multiple academic defeats have trained the engineers to be a race much like the machines they meticulously craft, devoid of emotion and mercy.

From their great stronghold in CIEMAS, the engineers hold the line. Like Greek fire, the super-weapons which ESG creates are extremely effective but also shrouded in mystery. Non-disclosure agreements signed between the engineers and their future employers ensure the technology will not enter the public eye for years. All that is known is that many P-Frosh mercenaries are lost for very little gain. Caffeine from the recently acquired Vondy is all that keeps the DSG forces moving. The DSG Exec Board attempts to make progress by reaching out to the student body for ideas. Like Zagster, this DSG operation thus far appears to be floundering. Stalemate sets in on West Campus’ eastern front.

In their latest email blast, Queen Ban-all and the Weis-man offer a $10,000 reward from the DSG surplus to anyone who can pitch-a-project which will succeed in crushing the Pratt Stars. However, nobody has submitted any suggestions. In fact, as is tradition, no one even reads the email. As the cold sets in, the P-Frosh camp out in tents on the Main Quad. They burn thousands of unused and unwanted (but free!) copies of The Chanticleer for heat. Tragically, their only nourishment comes from vending machines. While West Union existed prior to the Fall of Trask, it was soon after razed to the ground by disgruntled Loop employees and stakeholders who desired to remove the competition once and for all.

While the cool air did not cool tempers at Duke, it did remind some of the upcoming basketball season. In an act of revenge for the infamous Duke-Miami game of 2016, the Duke Men’s Basketball team ravages the University of Miami and annexes its measly endowment. Then, once more, the team vanishes. Presumably, the Giants and their intrepid commander move north. Brodhead have mercy on those who try to block, dunk, travel or stand in their way!

The Pledgemaesters acknowledge that in the middle of relating this portion of the tale, a “Not My President” rally briefly interrupted their train of thought. This left them wondering why Duke students protested even though Brodhead’s replacement has yet to be named. The Pledgemaesters don’t read the news much.