'This is what they want, right?': Duke announces plan to give every arts major a gift card to Michael’s

Finger painting just got a whole lot easier for visual arts students.

Last Friday, University administrators announced their newest plan to bolster the arts on campus following the construction of the Rubenstein Arts Center: Every student who declares a major in visual arts will receive a $50 gift card to Michaels Arts & Crafts. Like the new Arts Center, it’s nothing more than a shallow, performative display of wealth that in no way enhances the quality of education that arts students at Duke receive. It’s also fully funded by David Rubenstein, our University’s favorite capitalist with absolutely no formal training or education in the arts.

“I was thinking about it, and it struck me as downright shameful that visual arts students on campus have no access to studio spaces or quality materials for their projects,” Rubenstein said. “So, that’s when the solution came to me: a gift card to Michaels. This is what they want right?”

Michaels is the largest arts and crafts retail chain in the country, offering an array of valuable products for any artist’s creative arsenal, such as Crayola markers, Playdoh, glue guns and those foam balls that really come in handy for dioramas of the solar system. A $50 gift card should be able to buy students a handful of paint brushes and scrapbook pages — more than enough to complete a senior thesis or capstone project.

“I’m absolutely thrilled,” said Scott Lindroth, vice provost for the arts at Duke. “Usually, I’d complain about the lack of attention paid to the actual wants and needs of arts students at Duke, but I’ll take whatever I can pry from the cold, dead hands of this STEM-obsessed university. Plus, they promised to give me a gift card, too, and I’ve had my eyes on a new pair of crochet needles for a while.”

Some students, though, were not as excited as Lindroth about the forthcoming plan.

“It’s an improvement, I guess,” said one student, who is currently using a study room in Perkins Library as a studio space. “I just wish the gift card was to Joann’s Fabrics instead of Michaels.”

Editor's note: Happy April Fool's Day! In case it wasn't clear, this is a satirical article for "The Chomicle." Check out more Chomicle content here.