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The weakest GoldLink

Despite what the 60 degree temperatures and scatters of rainfall might suggest, summer is rapidly approaching and Duke’s undergraduates are finally heading into their last day of class this week. As a result, the campus is once again buzzing with excitement for the annual day of revelry and heavy drinking that accompanies the end of every academic year. This exhilaration was slightly quelled however when the LDOC headliner, GoldLink, cancelled days before he was set to perform. While the LDOC committee members scramble to get another act together last second, Editorial Board has taken it upon ourselves to suggest a number of possible substitutions that would surely win over the student body. 

First up, might we suggest an appearance by that boy from your biology class that ghosted you two weeks ago, but now wants to see your notes from last lecture? Or, perhaps all the peers that you promised to have coffee or dinner with for the past five months, but have failed to follow through with? However, if the ambiance the LDOC committee is aiming for is more vibrant, the Board recommends the exceptionally nice, high-energy barista in Vondy that doesn’t judge you even when you regularly consume three large lattes and several slices of pumpkin bread in place of an actual dinner. 

In the event that none of these suggestions are free to entertain hordes of drunken, sunburned college kids, the Board has created a compilation of a few other candidates. If the committee really wanted to get the crowd going, they’d design a collaborative set between your parents’ disappointment, your casual prescription drug dependency and the crushing pressure to complete the quantitative science requirements that you’re putting off to senior year. These classics will pair well with an appearance by the shattered ego of President Price and the mounds of internship rejection letters clogging up your inbox.

A few ideas that didn’t quite make the cut include: all the feral cats roaming campus, the rich pre-med you’re trying to seduce last minute, drafts of memes you were too self-conscious to post, the impending thigh chafing from your cute summer dresses, your countless missed opportunities, the recurring nightmare you have about Larry Moneta becoming your step-dad, all the Plan B you washed down with Kombucha during Sunday brunches and the haunting knowledge that your existence is ultimately a negligible, infinitesimal moment in an inconceivably large, indifferent universe.

The Editorial Board sincerely hopes that some of the submissions above will be seriously considered by the committee and we look forward to the yearly twenty-four hours of dubious life choices ahead of us. 

In case you couldn’t tell, today’s editorial was a joke! Editorial Board wishes everyone a safe and fun LDOC!


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