As more Americans open up to Donald Trump’s presidential bid, I too have found myself swept up in the media-fueled Trump frenzy. You won’t see me wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat, though, but not for a lack of contempt for the current state of politics. My priorities lie closer to home — we don’t need Trump for President of the United States; we need Trump for President of Duke.
Our current administration’s approach to students’ concerns is to ignore them or, in the rare instance that alumni outrage demands a response, to build a glass box. While I can’t guarantee that Trump will solve these problems, I’m certain that he won’t miss the opportunity to respond to these criticisms. And a response is the beginning of a dialogue, which is the beginning of a solution unless it’s the impetus for your forced removal from the room. If it’s any consolation, Trump also builds 95-story glass boxes without inconveniencing people nearly as much as the current administration did building the new Bryan Center entrance.
For a further example of the current administration resolving student complaints with a solution that only worsens the issue, look no further than the buses. If you’re a student on campus, then you’re probably upset with the new bus routes that can take 20 minutes to arrive, only to pass you by because they’re full. The answer is not to return to the old and almost equally despised routes, though. To paraphrase the great Ronald Reagan, “Buses are not the solution to our problems; buses are the problem.” Trump knows this and would surely borrow from his Iowa children’s policy to institute helicopter rides that would safely and seamlessly transfer students around campus.
In no time, Trump would also improve the dining options on campus, putting the WaDuke to shame by replacing Duke’s dining options with Michelin-starred restaurants. And there will be no more running to Dame’s late at night to buy overpriced booze with your pathetic excuse for a fake. With Trump’s standard butler and bottle service throughout campus, we will no longer be forced to settle for anything less than Dom Pérignon.
While many are quick to mislabel Trump’s blunt honesty as arrogance, I’m confident that animosity and high tensions would not define a Trump presidency here at Duke. Rather, I think it would be a time of great growth — actually, the best growth. Under Trump, the only complaints on Fix My Campus would be a lack of Oreos and a shortage of hairspray.
Did anyone notice the stone wall around East Campus that prohibits UNC students under the height of 24 inches from illegally entering the freshmen campus? If not, it’s likely you never realized that these UNC students even existed, but they’re among us and stealing our education. Over on West Campus though, we are defenseless. Not only will Trump build us the 24 inch stone wall we need, he’ll rightfully overcharge the UNC athletic director for damages by tens of thousands of dollars to pay for it.
You can say goodbye to Internet and ePrint issues under Trump as well. The Donald doesn’t know how to fix computer problems, but he knows who can, which is more than what Dick Broadhead or Hillary Clinton can say.
And there is no organization on campus better prepared to benefit from a Trump presidency than the Women’s Center. Trump has assured women that they need not fear being insulted so as long as they’re not Rosie O’Donnell. More so, he “cherishes women” and he “will take care of women’s health issues better than anybody.”
Trump will maintain our lack of resources for illegal aliens on campus and continue to limit our socioeconomic diversity on a scale that would make Washington Duke himself smile in his grave, inside of his underground marble crypt, inside of his giant stone chapel, located at the center of his multi-billion dollar namesake university.
The Donald would also put an end to our bungled relations with China — in particular, the mismanaged development of Duke Kunshan University. He knows that “they’re killing us”— they’re taking our money, behind on construction deadlines and ignoring our educational values. With Trump in the negotiating chair, we’d surely secure the Forbidden City as our Chinese campus, a centrally located and already walled complex.
A partnership between the Donald and Duke would be a marriage of winners. Trump is the self-proclaimed “total and unequivocal winner” and Coach K is the winningest basketball coach of all time. This unique ability to best everyone constantly draws media attention to both of us, with only Trump regularly out-trending Duke on social media. On any given day, Trump’s trending for something as ordinary as attending jury duty, and on the next day, Duke’s trending because a student chose not to read a book. Surely Trump would resolve this issue by mandating that all students read “The Art of the Deal,” a book that only total losers would object to.
Who better to be president of the university most fixated on by the media than the person most fixated on by the media? The Donald and Duke not only sounds right, but after a deeper, more issues-driven analysis, just makes sense. Let’s Make Duke Great Again.
Update: The headline of this column was updated after publication to reflect the columnist's wishes.
Justin Koritzinsky is a Trinity junior. His column runs on alternate Tuesdays.
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.