Finding lemonade in Fun Home

“If my father had ‘come out’ in his youth, if he had not met and married my mother… where would that leave me?”

When I read this sentence of Alison Bechdel’s “Fun Home,” my heart expanded and my eyes gaped open. The risky game of “what if?” started rolling through my mind at lightning speed. You see, I have been an avid activist for the LGBT community since I was in 7^th grade. I firmly believe that society, especially in the Bible Belt, my home, forces young homosexuals to remain “in the closet,” get married and have children. This is the land of the free, not the land of the free if you follow the will of one God in one religion. So why, then, did Bechdel’s thought process in the aforementioned quotation send my head into a tailspin?

My dad is gay.

I have left some space for you to process that, as I have to do every time I state this in a conversation. It is one thing to read a popular tragicomic about a woman you have nothing in common with and have never met. But I am very similar to you. I grew up in the technology age. I suffered through standardized tests, homework, essays, practices and working a low wage job in the summers. I applied to, was accepted to and chose to attend Duke University. Just like you, my goal in life is to be happy and avoid suffering. Unlike you, my dad is gay.

There was a short period of time between my parents’ divorce and my dad’s coming out to me. It was 6^th grade, already a very awkward time in anyone’s life. I remember my mother telling me, “I rescinded our membership from the church.” I was blown away! She explained to me that the weekly church email bulletin had a subject line of “We are Loving the Gays Straight to Hell.” She was infuriated and replied immediately to leave the congregation. I was confused. Why was my mom suddenly pro-gay rights? My entire life beforehand, I had thought homosexuality was a sin and should be kept private and out of society’s eye.

When my dad came out to me, I was the first person other than my mom to know. After telling me, he told his surprisingly accepting family. The first time I truly understood the magnitude of my dad’s life (a life that surely our society wanted to push back into the sphere of normal) is when he explained to me why he could not and would not ever let the public know of his homosexuality. At the time, we were in the recession, and everyday he came home telling of more people from his company who were laid off. He explained to me that his coworkers and supervisors all grew up with the same mindset I had. While they think gay people should be treated as human, they do not think gays should advertise their sexuality. If my dad told even one coworker, no matter how close they were, that he was gay, someone else would find out. Eventually, the person deciding whom to lay off in the recession would find out. And why employ a gay person when you can employ a straight Christian with a loving wife and family? As silly as it sounds, the logic has a tragic ring of truth to it.

My dad has placed his own “do not ask, do not tell” mindset on his life. He will not post pictures with his boyfriends on social media. He rarely brings them home to meet his family. They will only go to gay friendly bars with the rather small LGBT community of Nashville. My dad swears he will never get married, even though he can. He refers to boyfriends as friends to make it more comfortable for my sister and I, even though we are very comfortable with the situation. As I found a more socially liberal circle of friends, I began to discuss my dad’s sexuality. The majority of my friends know that my dad is gay, and they are not fazed by it. However, my sister and I shared a small school. She did not want her friends to know my dad is gay. The occasional friend will find out, and it becomes a step backwards as she has to adjust to another friend politely judging our family.

Is it fair that my dad had to grow up and suppress his true sexuality? No. Is it fair that I had something major about my life change in my early teens and had no friends I could really talk to about it? No. Is it fair that for every positive LGBT news story there is a negative one? No. But then, I have to consider Alison Bechdel’s thought. If society had not pushed my dad to marry my mom, I would not be here. Society wanted my dad to be a straight, middle-class man with children. So that is what he became. It was not fair or just. However, because of that, I have been able to enjoy a wonderful world and family. For every person in my life and yours, he or she will have an experience of wanting something that society does not consider normal. Depending on the person, society will win out at least for a while. That is not fair. But life is not fair. With that thought lingers an old adage: when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. My dad was given social pressure, and he made me. So, while we all will face suffering, participate in debates that make us red in the face, find life to be unfair, cry, scream, quit jobs, storm out of rooms and feel beaten down, society will never beat us if we find the positive in any situation and stay true to ourselves.