When you finish those ALPs

I recently said goodbye to my pre-major advisor and hello to my new major. I may not be the first person to ever declare Public Policy as a major but I believe congratulations are still in order. After all, it’s not every day you declare your college major, unless you started off as a pre-med. Before you roll your eyes, condemning this column as another futile complaint of being put into a box or forced on a singular career track with no hope of readjustment, fear not—I like being put in boxes. Instead, I wanted to address a few logistics my pre-major advisor tried to convince me were vital to graduating. Something about requirements and natural sciences but I wasn’t really listening. I feel mildly confident in my ability to meet whatever academic benchmarks my institution has so rudely imposed on me. What concerns me more are the requirements you can’t find on ACES. My advisor seemed unsympathetic to my desire to create a long-range plan for completing Duke’s unofficial graduation requirements.

Doming.

This requirement warrants immediate explanation so your dirty minds don’t jump to something expletive in nature. What’s wrong with you people? Our beloved Baldwin Auditorium sits at the head of East Campus, and is conveniently dome-shaped. After conferring with Alumni, accessing Baldwin through adjacent dorm Pegram seems like the best strategy for safely reaching the top. What concerns me are the prerequisites in athleticism necessary to not die. Furthermore, I would appreciate more support from the school as students try to fulfill a requirement that might very well be outside their comfort zone. Alas, past students have been met with trespassing charges and housing revocations. Duke can be cutthroat.

Sex in the Gardens/Stacks. The gardens and stacks are traditionally two separate requirements but this reeks of overcompensation.

This one is expletive in nature—literally. Despite the romantic allure of consummating on a rose-petal bed—which in reality is soggy grass—ambitious students still face the decision of scheduling day or evening courses. Although the privacy of darkness seems preferable to sharing the special moment with young families and passing students, recent Duke alerts complicate the issue. The armed robber already has a leg up on you, and being naked in the middle of a field will not help your case. If you refuse to waste study time frolicking outside, there’s a more convenient alternative. The fourth floor library stacks offer unparalleled seclusion. The stacks don’t usually hold books assigned for class so you know Duke students won’t be there.

Driving around the traffic circle backwards.

This is probably the rocks for jocks equivalent of the UGRs—cars for frat stars. Whoever thought this would be a cool requirement to add, probably rebels by jaywalking. Most of our parents accidentally completed this requirement for us during orientation and every subsequent visit they made to Duke afterwards. If it took you a few tries at the DMV to finally post “LICENSE!” on your Facebook page, maybe take this one slow.

Tunneling.