Wanderlust: Duke edition

I remember the day I realized I wanted to be an engineer. I was so disappointed in myself. After spending years trying to fight it, I had somehow tumbled into the biggest of Indian stereotypes. As someone who is exceedingly predictable and hates that about myself, I would daydream about the look on the faces of my more traditional family members when I would tell them that I was studying Art or English. Alas, somewhere along the way, I was caught in the STEM trap, and it’s a hard one to shake yourself lose from. The day I realized I wanted to be an engineer, a new part of me budded into life. And a few other parts started to wither away.

I’ve already written an entire column about how much engineering means to me. But the fact remains that it is a very limiting major. My schedule has been dictated for me since before I stepped onto this perfectly picturesque campus. There are classes I’ve taken whose formal name I didn’t know—only the number (example—BME 354: Biomedical devices? Instrumentation? Your guess is as good as mine). Second semester senior year has been the first time I’ve been able to explore the classes on ACES that didn’t involve any fumbling with equations. The wanderlust that had been relatively tamed by a semester abroad came back full force, and I spent hours navigating that website. There’s an entire tab dedicated to the New Testament. Polish. The Study of Sexualities. Classical Studies. Duke offers courses like Transnational Feminism, Soccer Politics, Pharmacology, Philosophy of the Mind, History of Hip-Hop—meanwhile, semester after semester, I enrolled in yet another math class?

My bookbag became a comical conglomerate of every interest I’d ever had or thought I could have. Unfortunately, I could only pick one or two to divulge in. And I became genuinely very saddened by the fact that, in a few short months, I would be leaving this school. I would never again have the sort of access that I have become spoiled by to such a plethora of interests. So I dropped the second BME elective and enrolled in American Dreams/American Movies and Latin Dance.

We always talk about the Duke bubble. But what about the bubbles formed by what we chose to study? All the courses we never got to take? All the events we missed out on? All the people we never got to know, right here on campus?

Note—I’m not the voice of Pratt. I don’t speak for all the engineers. There are definitely ones out there who write, read books for fun and have friends from multiple ACES tabs. But for me, my major has been consuming. That way of thinking, so logical and rational, is not something that comes naturally to someone with their head in the clouds as much as mine is, which means I’ve had to work very hard to keep up. It’s been worth it, but it’s also meant spending every Halloween at Duke in a basement with a textbook and my notes for company. That’s where the other part of me, the non-science and math parts, wasted away quietly in the corner while I tried not to pull my hair out. Now, as a wistful senior, I am more than a little disappointed that there was so much I didn’t discover because my head, when it was taking a break from the clouds, was buried in problem sets. And I don’t think I’m the only one with those sentiments.

I know that I don’t really have a right to complain—and everyone who knows me will laugh at that since it’s never stopped me before—because engineers already have it pretty rough. Math, chemistry, physics, basic engineering courses—all before you can really dive into your particular major. I get it. They’re necessary, and we’re only here for eight semesters, so how can I expect my course load to make room for seemingly frivolous courses? But that doesn’t stop me from being at least a little bitter—I would have loved to take that class about ancient myths.

Engineering is probably my primary identifying factor, and I talk about it enough. But I am more than that. I am a wannabe comedian, a lover of all things international, a writer, a philosopher, a historian and a photographer. I am all the parts of my personality that have been starved for the past four years while the engineer indulged in feast after feast. Time after time, I chose to deny myself in the moment in exchange for the long term gratification that comes with a difficult major.

Would I have done things differently? To be perfectly honest, I don’t know. That second BME elective I dropped—I’m sure I would have enjoyed it too.