We are only a few days away from what I like to call the Super Bowl Championship Finale of Films … also known as the Oscars. Like any true televised spectacle, the Academy Awards offer an opportunity to kick back with a few friends, debate your favorite performances and films and maybe even knock back a few drinks (if you’re of the appropriate age, of course). Thus, as your beloved entertainers pull off miraculous upsets, thank everyone from their overprotective mothers to their friendly neighborhood mailmen and drop the f-bomb on nationally watched broadcast networks, I ask you to merely drink along.*
Take One Drink:
Neil Patrick Harris breaks out into expertly choreographed song and dance. Inevitably bound to happen more than once throughout the night.
NPH, or anyone for that matter, references Meryl Streep’s 19––you did not misread that number––nominations. Feel free to take another gulp if Leonardo DiCaprio’s expansive display of Oscar victories is referenced as well.
Any name is mangled from Benedict Cumberbatch to David Oyelowo (preferably by Joahn Travylta)
A winner thanks their family, but leaves out an important member, a la Hilary Swank in 2000. My guess is on you, five-time nominee Julianne Moore
Take Two Drinks:
Someone swears in his or her acceptance speech, and it does not get bleeped out.
Someone makes reference to the fact that Joaquin Phoenix is in attendance, despite claiming “I don’t want to be part of it. I don’t believe in it.”
Jennifer Lawrence falls … Part II.
Sony Hackers get referenced with an immediate pan to Amy Pascal’s reaction.
Chug:
A speech is cut off by music. Stop once the speech stops, unless they pull a Robert Downey Jr. (at 1:22)
If anyone calls The Grand Budapest Hotel a historical drama, especially in a field of far too many historical dramas.
There’s a blackout during the show’s run time, Super Bowl style.
Refuse to take a drink if:
Emmanuel Lubezki does not win for best cinematography for Birdman.
A forced Bill Cosby joke is made
Your favorite actor/cinematographer/director/screenwriter/costumedesigner/yougetthepoint doesn’t win (still crying over The Social Network and Saving Private Ryan. You deserved better).
*It should be duly noted that Recess is not liable for any excess drinking you partake in. These are mere suggestions. Please drink responsibly.
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