Dear Class of 2016,
Hello! Welcome to Duke, and congrats on the whole puberty thing. My name is Lillie Reed, and I have decided to take on the role of your new FAC! What’s a FAC, you might ask? Honestly, I don’t know. I think it’s kind of the stuff of legend at this point. My instinct tells me that it once stood for First-years Acquire Crabs, or Frats Assembling Cult-following, or F***, where’s my Air Conditioning?
As your FAC, I picture my role as something of a big sibling to you. Basically, you hang on to my every word while I pontificate wisdom that College ACB could have told you in 5 minutes. Too bad those glorious days are gone. Now the only way you can keep up on the latest gossip is to hide under the sink in a bathroom, hoping that drunkies come in for a b****fest. Or you could buy a wizard cloak and try to blend in with those guys who regularly do stupid arm motions on the quad. XOXO, a socially irrelevant girl who knows.
So my main goal as a FAC is the same as every other FAC’s: to make you think that Duke is cool by making you think that I am cool. Then I’ll mold you into miniature, slightly less-awesome versions of myself. I also have some lessons to teach you so that you don’t embarrass yourself. I’ve compiled a five-item list of knowledge that, as your FAC, it is my duty to let you in on.
Number One: Everyone can tell that you’re a freshman.
Whether it’s the doe-eyed wonder at the architecture of The Loop, the mistaken C-2 rides or the monogrammed rolling backpack—we all know. You’re not fooling anyone. If you’re interested, there are a number of things you can do to tone down the newbie vibe. Avoid comparing SAT scores. Conversations should contain less than 10 Greek letters. And, most importantly, ditch the lanyard. You might as well be wearing a shirt that flashes “I’m a virgin!” in neon letters. But I mean, it WAS free, and it is just SO convenient to hold your keys, am I right?
Number Two: Get to know the Duke buzzwords.
“Tailgate.” “Hookup culture.” “Work hard, play hard.” You should start to fine people for saying these things. At a dollar a pop, you could probably fund your entire college education in a matter of days.
Number Three: Drinking is no longer cool.
Wait. Brah. Do you drink? That is AWESOME and TOTALLY UNIQUE. No one in college does that! Please, tell me what blacking out is like! Post more Facebook pictures of your Busch Light collection! MORE FIST-PUMPING!
Number Four: Be more creative with your questions.
Since y’all arrived, any conversation I overhear consists of four questions: “What’s your name?” “Where are you from?” “Where are you living?” “What’s your major?” Then, if no similarities are found, awkward silence and an unspoken agreement that you will never be friends. In about two weeks, the first part of these conversations will cease, and only awkward silence will remain on buses everywhere. Though I prefer freshman-to-freshman conversation to the freshman-to-upperclassman conversation. Within about 20 seconds, these convos infallibly turn to “What sorority/fraternity/SLG/all-nudist, a cappella jazzercise group are you in?” I tire of being questioned about my affiliations. Can’t you throw in some fun questions every once in a while? Like, I don’t know. Maybe “What color of crayon would you be?” or “If you were a muffin, would you rather be eaten by Keifer Sutherland on bath salts or a carnivorous version of Anthony Davis’s eyebrow?” or “If you’re from Africa, why are you white?”
Number Five: Live it up.
FAClets, realtalk: The best piece of advice I can give you freshies (or anyone) is that Duke is what you make of it. Try new things. Don’t get caught in one friend group. Accept the opportunities that Duke virtually (and sometimes literally) throws at you, because you never know when you will stumble into something you truly love. To put it in terms that Wheelchair Jimmy would approve of: YOFO. You’re only freshmen once. So do it big.
So that’s about it for my (get ready for it) FAC-tastic advice. Hopefully our FAC-lationships can bloom, and we can be best friends for first semester before I stop texting you to come to my parties and start ignoring you when we see each other on the Plaza. Til then, the Socialites will be here every Wednesday with your weekly dose of advice, random musings and awkwardness. Welcome to Duke, freshies! Now go away. I think I see my friends coming.
Lillie Reed is a Trinity junior. Her installation of the weekly Socialites column runs on alternate Wednesdays. Follow Lillie on Twitter @LillieReed
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