You're all psychopaths

You! Yes, you, with the face. You’re a psychopath. You have no conscience, lack control of your behavior and feel nothing for other people. Your suave demeanor might pull the wool over others’ eyes, but not me. I am wool-free over here. I think I might even be allergic. That stuff’s itchy.

How do I know your secret? Well it just so happens I’m a psychology major (a psychologist, if I want to use the self-labeling technique employed by engineers and refer to myself by my future career choice as opposed to my field of study). With a full five, count ’em, FIVE psych classes under my belt, I’d say I’ve gained enough experience to give you a formal assessment. And the results are not looking good.

I came to the realization that all of you are psychopaths because of a class I took last semester. This particularly grueling psychology class consisted of two take-home tests and a three-page paper. It was this paper that made me realize that I’m living in a world of sociopathic, serial-killing, Dexter types with no emotions who are all out to get me.

I wrote my paper on psychopathy, which, in retrospect, was probably a poor choice given my tendency to diagnose my friends with psychological disorders for fun. As it turns out, psychopathy is incredibly common in the cutthroat, status-oriented business world. It didn’t take a genius to connect the dots (reminder: I am a psych major). Duke is a highly competitive university with the well-known status as one of the top 10 schools in America. Therefore, I’m certain that this place is teeming with sociopaths. Just to make sure, I ran through the 20-item diagnostic checklist and my recent memory for demonstrations of Duke psychopathy. Here are a few examples.

# four: Pathological lying. In my first mental search for psychopathy, I was frightened by how much you sociopaths lie to me. “It’s rocks for jocks, you don’t have to do anything.” “I love seven rounds of recruitment in a row!” “Your social status at Duke is like, SO important.” “Can’t donate, no flex!” Even sneaky things like “Great Hall is closed on Sundays” and “The new house model will not incorporate a point system like in Harry Potter” and “Just because you jump on my backpack doesn’t make it a working saddle.”

# seven: Poor behavioral controls. Whether it be at the bar in Devine’s, at McDonald’s on a Saturday at 3:30 a.m. or during the long-lost days of Tailgate, you people seem to have absolutely no control over what you’re doing. If you’re on top of a bar in a miniskirt, you should probably not take that time to show everybody how you used to be able to do a split in middle school. A text professing your love is probably the last thing your ex wants, and the concert at personal checks is a poor location for a “pants party.” Although some if not all of these analogies are from my own life, still.... Get a hold of yourselves people. What is wrong with you?! Am I missing something?!!

#13: Lack of realistic long-term goals. Sorry, pre-meds. If I see you out every single day of the week and you get C’s in every science class, if you come at me with a needle I will give you a high five in the face with an axe.

# nine: Parasitic lifestyle. College students are, by their very nature, living a parasitic life. If the answer to any of the following questions—“Who cleans your bathroom? Who pays for your food?” or in the case of 95 percent of Bio 101 students, “Who fills out the answers to your biology homework?”—is anything except for “me,” you should consider dousing yourself in antibiotics and lighting yourself on fire, sociopath. You are a parasite.