Dating the hook-up culture

Recently, Elle uploaded a post entitled “Dear Duke guys…” on the Develle Dish blog, in which she claimed that Duke guys needed to start asking girls out on real dates: “Not a pregame for Shooters or before a date function with the expectation of a no-strings-attached hookup, but a traditional date.” I often wonder why there isn’t more dating at Duke; when this question comes up, someone always hastily suggests that the “hook-up culture” is to blame. At Duke there is a constant murmuring about the pervasiveness of this aspect of Duke undergraduate life.

Based on my own observations, couples certainly do not dominate the night scene at Duke or make up the majority of people in the Shooters II line, but just how big of an influence does the hook-up culture actually have? Studies have shown that three-quarters of college students hook up during their college years, while 40 percent of those students do so four or more times. If we define the hook-up culture as those who hook up with four or more people, then that would leave us with 30 percent of the undergraduate population. That still leaves a good 70 percent of students unaccounted for, so why do so few people date?

Once, a friend of mine was spending a lot of time with a girl from one of his classes, and it was clear after several months of flirting (in and out of class) that they liked each other. Eventually, he asked her out on a date to a nice restaurant; when they kissed later, I thought this was a good sign, and therefore spent the rest of the weekend in high spirits for my friend. The next time they met, however, she said she was “too busy to date,” and then avoided him for the rest of the semester.

Did he do something wrong? Clearly, this is only one example, but perhaps this girl verbalized a common Duke undergraduate belief—“I’m too busy.” It’s true that Duke students are busy, but are they too busy? I doubt that. Could it be that students’ desire to excel and work hard leads them to believe that a relationship will only slow them down on their way to the top? Most Duke students are so busy due to their course load and involvement in extracurricular activities that they often long for a full night’s sleep. If you can relate to this sentiment at all, ask yourself, “Will I be any less busy in my future career?”

As busy as we may be at Duke, many of us are pursuing careers in medicine, consulting and banking, which will all require immense time commitments. Yet, we see many doctors, consultants and I-bankers who still manage to date. As such, I would suggest that it is not a matter of being too busy, but rather a matter of priorities. Despite all the extracurricular commitments, college is an ideal time to date. It is easy to visit a person as well as get dinner together without all of the logistical issues that exist outside of college. So why don’t more guys ask out girls on dates?

I must disagree with Elle when she says to guys “It’s your problem.” My friend was a guy who did take a girl out on a real date, only to be rejected afterward because she was “too busy.” After an experience like that, it must be difficult for a guy like him to try to muster the courage to ask another hardworking and committed girl out on a date—and virtually all girls at Duke appear hardworking and committed. Though past experiences do not necessarily translate into future ones, they might just alter a guy’s thinking. The same girl who is very smart, popular and funny immediately becomes intimidating because she might just be “too busy” for you. We all know that even the most polite rejection still hurts.

Nevertheless, I would venture to say that there are plenty of guys at Duke who are willing to ask girls out on dates. I also believe that there are a fair amount of girls who would like to be asked out on dates. Both parties may not be as easy to find as a frat party flyer on a Friday night, but they are out there. Maybe both parties are equally guilty for not looking in the right places. Ladies—do you think that Prince Charming is going to be riding in on the Shooters II bull? Likewise, gentlemen—do you think you will find the girl of your dreams stumbling toward you, half conscious, at a Central Campus party? Maybe if we all put the idea of being too busy out of our minds, and stop believing in the hook-up culture, more people would find themselves on an “actual” date.

Caleb Duncanson is a Pratt senior. His column runs every other Friday.