Sandbox

So I finally got a Twitter account, but because my Facebook statuses read like neo-Beatnik keyboard ejaculations, I’m too self-conscious to actually tweet, lest potential employers doubt my social media savvy or ability to #writelikethis.

I’m furthered saddened by Anderson Cooper’s tweets, which are just professional news snippets, and not like, “Just hit up Karaoke Kweens night at Eastern Bloc!”

But worst of all, Twitter led me to Rebecca Black, a self-confident 13-year old from Anaheim Hills, a SoCal suburb on steroids. And if it wasn’t enough that this girl’s upbringing is going to stunt her path to self-realization, her parents thought it prudent to gift her (Super Sweet Bat Mitzvah?) with a professional music video, replete with P.G. rap verse. Now after 40 million views and counting, everyone is apparently captivated and very disturbed by the thing, which is absolutely hilarious.

Watch the Good Morning America interview with the Katie Couric lookalike: using the same concerned voice and eyebrow furrows she dropped on Charlie Sheen, she asks a series of condescending questions apparently intended to make the little girl slit her wrists. I guess she was on a roll assisting public figures in self-humiliation, but fortunately Rebecca’s too chipper to notice. At one point, she makes Black sing the national anthem, as evidence of what I’m not exactly sure—her vocals sounds exactly as good as they do on “Friday.”

But sillier than the pissed-off detractors are the highbrow critical apologists. I’ll go no farther than stating that I’d simply place Black at the end of the merit spectrum, with Lady Gaga inhabiting the opposite side and Bieber somewhere in between. That said, all three stars are more legitimate for fueling ‘social media’ chatter than they are for their actual music (yeah, “Born This Way” didn’t fool anyone).

The only solution is to un-follow all the celebrities spewing unwanted noise into my headspace. Except Anderson Cooper, who’s been too preoccupied with Japan to respond to my tweets asking if he needs a boyfriend or a date or a social media intern.