“If you’re good at something, never do it for free.”
You look stressed. Really, take a deep breath. We’ll get this all worked out. I’ve got some things you need to hear.
The good news about this absurd world is that your perspective is pretty much the only thing that should matter to you, and if that won’t cheer you up, try listening to George Carlin do stand up. That is one twisted son of a woman. I guess it would be more twisted if a man birthed him, but we don’t get a lot of those these days. Maybe there’s too little BPA in our water bottles.
Back to perspective. Did you know that in studies, a little more than 80 percent of those polled say they have above average looks? And only 30 percent had below average taste in music? Thank God only 10 percent of them were atheists. On the other hand, thank Satan only 2 percent of them go to worship every week.
Now, I’m here to give you a little advice into your future, specifically about being successful in interviews. As someone who must hire a new staff for every “job” I undertake (unfortunate events occur to my employees during our “work”), I have become quite the perceptive interviewer. I also have an uncanny knack at making people think I’m insane. It comes in handy.
When I was first entering the workforce, I had some trouble with companies. You see, no one at any company thought I was qualified for their new opening. At lower-paying jobs, they just wouldn’t take a kid straight out of college, no matter how under-achieving or perfectly qualified he may be to work for minimum wage. On the other hand, prestigious employers would look at my resume and ask how I managed to graduate with straight Ds and no major.
These reasons are why I’ve come up with some interview techniques that, even if they don’t get you the job, they will damn sure get you noticed. But don’t worry, they’ll get you the job. If they don’t, you always know where to look for some easy, high-paying work. Your role will be to knock off the guy who cracks the safe. Bigger cut for everybody.
First, dress for the job you want, not the job you have/are qualified for. If you’re not stuck-up, you immediately should have gotten excited, because you realized that you must wear your Darth Vader costume to your next interview. At least that’s the job I want: Master of the Dark Side of the Force.
Second, be positive. I’m no scientist, but I’ve been told this relates to having as many protons as possible, and to get rid of electrons whenever you can. You may want to shuffle your feet along any thick carpet, to build up electricity and remove electrons. The person interviewing you will no doubt credit you with having a shocking personality and as someone who is positively electrifying.
Third, don’t show up on time. It’s tacky. No one likes a snob. Don’t you want them to think you would be dedicated to your job? You need them to firmly believe you have no life. That’s why you need to show up early. I’m not talking about being there 15 minutes before the interview. I’m talking K-ville early. Live in a tent outside the company’s building for at least a month before your interview. Head Line Monitor Zach White knows this is how you show true commitment. At worst, you can say that’s the most useful thing you learned in college. You probably won’t be lying, either.
The Joker sang for the king and queen, in a coat he borrowed from James Dean.
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