Beware: buildings and governors

I’m a glutton for pain.

I don’t mean that in any sort of weird kinky way, so don’t get any ideas. I just spent large tracts of my weekend doing two very painful things.

First, I attended the Georgia Tech game at Wallace Wade. I spent all Saturday afternoon cringing at the movement of options like a floor trader during the Dotcom Bubble. Okay, I’m familiar with neither football playcalling, nor finance, but I had to take a stab.

I spent the rest of my weekend looping the video of Harrison Barnes coyly taking a wrecking ball to my dreams of a national championship.

Look at him, all decked out with his sleek black MacBook, telling the nation that he’ll be joining the coach he’s about to Skype.

“Coach Roy Williams,” he says. And the whole crowd gleefully cheers, as if sticking it to Duke was the alpha and omega of their silly little lives in Ames, Iowa. And there’s Coach Roy, beaming back with that smug grin that makes us Crazies want to punch small animals. And I mean really wail on them.

Did Harrison Barnes forget all those adoring, committed Blue Devils going way out of their way to show how much they love him during his various visits? We had lots of posters! Lots of them! Did he think we were cheering out “Hell, Go To Carolina!”?

GRAAAH, WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO US? WHY?

There are a lot of theories floating around about the ins and outs of recruiting, and the nature of our program compared to that of UNC, which boasts a flashy, fast-pace, diva-studded offense and, apparently, a superior academic program. Some pundits have even entertained the notion that race has something to do with it. Those ideas are just fluff.

Here’s the real pattern behind blue chips building up our hopes and dashing them at the last minute: it’s all in the last name.

CASE ONE: Your last name closely resembles a common noun for buildings or structural elements therein—you will not come to Duke. EXAMPLES: John Wall, Harrison Barnes.

There’s just something about buildings that creates an ethereal repulsion away from Duke’s campus. It’s this same force that killed the proposed construction of New Campus, and why it’s taken about five months to see any tangible progress on Mill Village on Central Campus.

CASE TWO: Your last name is the same as a prominent Democratic governor—you will not come to Duke. EXAMPLES: Patrick Patterson and Greg Monroe.

Okay, New York Gov. David Paterson lacks both the prominence and that second ‘t’ in the middle of his name to qualify for this category, but cut me some slack here. And, yes, James Monroe was probably a bit better remembered for his stay in the White House and his Doctrine than for his reign as governor of Virginia (also, he was a Democratic-Republican, if we’re picking nits here). Still, it’s too strong a connection to overlook. And yes, I know you’re thinking that Henry Turner Irving, acting governor of Ceylon in 1872, means Kyrie defies this rule, but I think we all know he doesn’t count.

Think about it—you’ve never used a Plumlee to build a house before, nor has a Gov. Zoubek ever taken office... yet. The lack of structural integrity of your average Czyz makes it poor construction material.

As we look to future recruiting classes, we would do well to address these kinds of problems at their source. Demand legal name changes from class of 2011 prospects like Quincy Miller (to avoid the connection to Zell Miller, Democratic governor of Georgia, 1991-1999). Avoid kids like three-star guard Algie Key from Lakeside High School in Georgia. Keys are used in buildings.

I hope Coach K will ditch his 30 seasons’ worth of experience and heed my advice.

Charlotte Simmons faces animal cruelty charges for injuries inflicted on a nearby marmot during Barnes’ announcement.